Mario Party: Director's Cut
by Mog Anarchy
Summary: It's Mario Party: THEIR WAY! No rules, Totally unsupervised... And BOOZE FOR ALL!
1. Mario's Anger

**Mario Party: Director's Cut**

**2003-2008, ****Mog Anarchy**

* * *

**Chapter 1**

"Welcome to the Sweet Dream… It's the dream of sugary filled, creamy, chocolatley goodness… As we've been told about forty times, I'm just telling you again to tick you off. Hey guess what, you all get ten coins! Whoop-dee-doo! How… Unexpected! And guess what, here's the location of the star! And d'ya know what else? All stars cost twenty fuckin' coins! Wow, that's never changed has it?! And, I'm going to continue to rant pointlessly at you, even though you set your text speed at super-triple-extra-fast so you don't have to sit and read all this crap! I'm gonna rant on and on at you, because I'm-"

"MARIO!"

"What!?"

"Mario, please… We've been waiting for you to roll that dice block for the past five minutes! Could we please hurry it up!"

Mario looked up and saw the blue dice block above his head, it too looking very impatient as the numbers continued to spin around rapidly. He glared at Eldstar, who was hovering next to him.

Mario jumped up at the dice block, whacking it full force with his fist. The sound of cracking knuckles was heard right across the board.

"OW! You bas-"

"Mario! Please, can we please stop with the language, this video game is rated E for Everyone!"

"I don't give a Goomba's-"

"Umm… Eldstar, could we take a break please?" Peach piped up.

"A break?! But it's only the second turn! Could we please let Mario take his turn before-"

Eldstar's voice was drowned out by the violent snoring coming from Wario's throat, who was laid flat out on his back like a beached whale on a green happening space in the centre of the board.

After Eldstar had woken Wario up (he now had a huge red imprint of a star's behind on his face) everyone directed their attention back to Mario's dice block.

It had stopped on a three, although Mario had been constantly whispering for a five.

Mario took his three steps with reluctance. He looked at his feet at the space he'd stopped on. A glowing red and black space.

"Mario's got a Bowser space!" Peach yelped.

"Yeah Peach…" - came Mario's voice - muffled at the fact his face was crushed under Bowser's ass. "We can all see that, bitch!"

"Mario, one more swearword and I shall remove you from this party. Now, Bowser, if you please."

Bowser wasn't listening, he was filing his claws, despite Mario's constant struggles from beneath him.

"Bowser…"

Bowser grunted. He looked up at Eldstar then nodded, as he'd remember what he was supposed to do now. He let out a huge fart on Mario's head before standing up. (Mario didn't take too kindly to this, he began punching Bowser in the leg, although it had no effect - Bowser had been eating Mega Mushrooms to make himself look ridiculously huge before bounding down upon the board.)

"Gwarharhar!" Came Bowser's typical evil laughter. "Guess what Mario, it's your lucky day… I'm gonna take all your coins!"

"Wasn't that predictable…" Mario grumbled.

"You have thirteen? Oh Mario, an unlucky number for you!" Bowser growled; suddenly tipping Mario upside-down and shaking him by the ankles until all of his coins fell to the ground. Bowser scooped them up with a smirk, before shoving Mario into the centre of a chocolate cream cake that stood at the side of the Sweet Dream board.

"Gwarharharhar! See you next time… Worm!" Bowser growled. He then took up a great leap and magically disappeared from the board. (Everyone was confused about how he managed to do that…)

Mario pulled himself free, and after licking off chocolate cream from his moustache, he sat down on the space and sighed.

"Peach! Start!" Shouted Eldstar.

"Wait, as it is my turn, I say we take a break… Umm… Mario is a bit miffed you see…" Peach whispered.

Wario and Waluigi burst into peals of evil laughter, as Mario blushed a painful meat red.

"Very well then Peach."

Peach jumped down from the second level of the board, landing gracefully on the blue space next to Mario.

Peach made an effort to haul him up, but Mario was stubbornly reluctant to move. After Peach had given up and taken to sitting down on the giant knife's handle that was behind them; Mario stood up and drew in his breath.

"That's the last straw! I've had it with these shitty rules of these fuckin' parties!"

"Mario… What are you planning on doing…?" Peach whimpered.

"You'll see soon enough…" Mario growled. Mario then took out a small silver handgun from inside his overalls leg. He looked back at Peach and gave her an evil smirk. Mario then turned back, and walked towards the staff lounge…

* * *


	2. Kill The Control!

**Chapter 2**

* * *

Mario walked back from the lounge with a psychopathic evil grin across his face. Peach jumped up immediately. (She'd been sat on the bench by the door, reading December's issue of Nintendo Magazine…)

Mario himself down; it was then that Peach noticed that his overalls were stained in various places with blood and vomit. Mario smelt strongly of blood and whiskey, and the evil smirk on his face practically stretched ear to ear.

"You're drunk, aren't you?!" Peach scowled.

Mario didn't answer, he performed a drunken jumpy dance, and almost fell flat onto his face. He waved his handgun in the air, causing a few bullets to fall from the open loader.

"Go on then… How many did you kill…?" Peach sighed.

Mario held up four fingers and then burst into manic laughter. Peach shook her head in despair, making her carefully parted blonde hair bob about.

"And that accomplished WHAT exactly?"

"Mario kill! Mario happy! Mario make own party! With beer, sexy girls and porn!" Mario slurred.

"Mario stupid asshole, who doesn't have a clue what he's talking about!" Peach yelled right in his face.

"Peach needs a breath mint!" Mario smiled.

Peach jumped back, her cheeks a little pink. "Quiet Mario, you don't know what you're doing _or_ saying..."

"Now stars are gone, Mario in charge!"

"Stars… Gone?"

"Mario shot stars! Mario lock stars in cupboard, Mario force them to watch Supermarket Sweep!"

Peach gasped. "Yeah… That IS torture!"

"This party be really good! Mario going to 'borrow' magic, make big board, buy beer, and ask Luigi to bring his Playboy magazines!"

"Luigi has _Playboy_ magazines…?" Peach smiled. "Oh-ho, wait until I tell Daisy!"

"Oh, must get ready, party starts tonight!"

"Oh no you don't!" Peach yelled, grabbing Mario by his collar. "We're waiting until you've sobered up before we do anything!"

"But, Mario already sent invitations!"

"You've already sent them?! To who?"

"The guys… Erm… Yoshi and his buds… Erm… That Goomba that you met on Isle Delfino…"

"Goombruno! You can't invite Goombruno to your drinking and gambling party! It'll warp his pure white mind!"

Mario continued on regardless: "Daisy… The Shy Guys…" He paused. "Erm… Toad and Toadette…"

"You can't invite them! They're only kids! It'll scare the poor little things…"

"DK, Bowser and the kids…"

"You're inviting our arch rival to your party?!"

"Yeah… Bowser's a pushover when he's pissed! Mario can knock him out with one finger!"

"Umm… What about me? Am I invited…?"

"Peach be invited… If Peach help Mario prepare."

"Blackmailing little bas-"

"But of course… If Peachy don't want to come… Mario could always invite Pauline instead…"

"NO! You are NOT, I repeat, NOT, inviting that slag to your party!"

"Fine then… You do as you is told! First order… Mario must pick up tuxedo from Dry Bones' Dry-Cleaners!"

"It's a _dress_ party?! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Must have slipped my mind."

"Oh! Oh, must hurry… Get ready… A princess must always look their best…"

Peach paused for a moment. "Hey, who's getting the board and the games ready?"

"Oh… I've persuaded Eldstar to do that…"

"By persuade, you mean… Demanded him at gunshot…?"

"Something like that… Right Peach, see you at the party!"

Mario then turned and dashed off to the Dream Depot exit.

"Mario! Oh, Mario… You're so awkward… But… I never turn down a do! It's party time Mario!"

* * *


	3. Building A Board

**Chapter 3**

* * *

"**You are invited to the Mushroom Kingdom's greatest Mario Party." **

(Many readers sighed at this line)

"**BUT WAIT! This time, there are no shitty stars to boss us around! We make our own rules! And this party is totally unsupervised, 8 till very late! X-rated movies, popcorn and nuts, B.Y.O.B."**

"**P.S, Come in your finest outfits. - Sir Mario Mario & Princess Peach Toadstool."**

Their attitudes were changed instantly at this sudden difference. Many of the readers didn't even thank the Post Paratroopa, they'd already ran back into their homes and began perfecting themselves.

* * *

Meanwhile, Peach and Mario had just made their finishing touches; and both were standing in front of the board that was currently being constructed.

"Hey, you useless fat fucker! That doesn't go there! It goes THERE!" Mario screamed at a Goomba who was struggling under the weight of a Happening Space.

"Mario! For goodness sake, leave the poor thing alone!" Peach yelled, feeling very sorry for the constrution workers, who hadn't recieved a single shred of slack from Mario's slave-driving.

Mario shook his head at Peach, he was getting irate; as the Goombas weren't following his orders at all.

A small Toad began pulling at Mario's tailcoat, whining in a high voice: "Mr. Mariooo…?"

Mario gritted his teeth, and tried to ignore him.Peach sighed impatiently. She turned to the Toad.

"Hi. What's wrong little guy?" She said sweetly, bending down to his level.

"Umm… We're out of paint for the last blue square Mr. Mario… What should we do…?" He whimpered.

"Never mind…" Peach began. "Just make it into a different square it won't matter."

"But Mr. Mario said-"

"We can change it if it wouldn't work, that's why we make plans." Peach said softly.

"But Mr. Mario said-"

"MR. MARIO SAYS PISS OFF! YOU LITTLE PRICK! AND FUCKIN' LEAVE US ALONE! WE'RE PISSED OFF ENOUGH WITH THESE FRIGGIN' GOOMBAS, WE DON'T NEED A TWAT LIKE YOU PISSING AROUND!" Mario screamed - right in the Toads' face.

Mario panted, his face red and sweating. The Toad's lip quivered, and his face crumpled as tears welled up in his eyes. He then burst into a flood of noisy tears and ran away as fast as he could.

Peach shook her head sympathetically at the Toad, who was now running towards the exit, his knees shaking with fear.

"What was the point in that!? You're such an asshole sometimes, Mario!"

Mario wasn't listening, he was contemplating the work of two hyper-active Goombas who were building up a machine at the side of the board to be used as a Happening Space event. It was just as well Mario didn't hear; with the amount of whiskey he'd drank in the staff lounge - the Goombas would have been scraping Peach's bloody remains up from the ground.

Mario looked at his watch; it was around half an hour before the guests were due to arrive. The board was almost complete, and a multitude of Toads and Koopas were laying out snack foods on a long table.

"I'm rather excited!" Peach exclaimed. "Have you designed new mini-games too?"

"Of course. Every element of the old, crappy Mario Party is OUT! The _new_ Mario Party is in!"

At that moment, a Koopa dressed in a waiter's uniform came walking towards them from the storage room. He was followed by a team of Boo who were pulling a wagon filled with beer towards the 'giant beer cooler of goodness' that Mario had designed himself.

The Koopa announced that the first guests had arrived, and the others were due to arrive within the next half hour.

Mario nodded, and he and Peach left the board to greet the guests.

* * *


	4. The Guests Arrive!

**Chapter 4**

* * *

Peach smiled and linked arms with Mario as they walked down the corridor of the Dream Depot. Mario's freshly polished shoes squeaked along the shimmering tiles, whilst Peach's regal high-heeled pumps tapped softly in perfect rhythm with her step. Along the walls were wooden doors with shiny gold star nameplates screwed to them. Some of them lead to boards, and others were dressing rooms, lounges and the like. A few of the doors lead to outside arenas where mini-games were played, whereas others had warp pipes inside which lead to mini-game arenas. The Dream Depot truly had everything for a perfect Mario Party.

Two more Koopas dressed in suits opened the huge wooden doors, which lead to the courtyard. Peach and Mario watched as a taxi drove slowly out from the Warp-Pipe at the end of the yard. It stopped in front of the marble staircase, and Luigi climbed out. He was wearing an identical suit, which matched Mario's, except his shirt was green and Mario's was red. His hair was neat as usual, his moustache combed, and he was carrying his freshly washed green 'L' hat in his right hand, and a case of Stella Artois in the other.

"Luigi!"

"Mario!"

Mario and Luigi gave each other a brotherly hug; Peach smiled dumbly at the cute sight, developing an extreme urge to sigh _'awww.'_ She then gave Luigi a small hug and a peck on his cheek - to which Luigi responded with childish giggling and blushing.

Luigi was shown into another room by another smartly-dressed Koopa, where he was required to wait until the other guests had arrived.

After around five minutes of Luigi arriving, a sleek orange limousine came from the warp pipe. From the front stepped out a Toad, dressed in smart black chauffeur's uniform. He opened the door to the back, out of which Princess Daisy climbed out. She was wearing her grandest orange and yellow dress, complete with her white lace gloves.

When she reached the top of the stairs, she and Peach gave each other a hug - Peach and Daisy were best friends, and wrote at the end of their letters and emails to each other "From your Sister-In-Arms". Daisy kissed Mario and then was escorted to the room with Luigi.

Wario and Waluigi arrived next, in Wario's purple racing car that he'd used to race in the Mario Kart: Double Dash races. Wario was carrying a huge silver keg, and Waluigi held a six pack of Foster's. They grinned at Mario and winked at Peach in unison, and they too were led to the waiting room.

After them came Bowser's royal red and black limousine, dark and evil like Bowser himself. From it stepped Bowser and his brace of eight children - the oldest being Morton Koopa, age sixteen, ranging down to little Bowser Jr. - aged five. Each Koopa was wearing an utterly ghastly patterned tie, and Wendy wore a pink dress that strained against her stomach. Bowser had brought two kegs, and each Koopa Kid was either holding a six pack, or a four bottle pack.

Peach began to wonder how drunk everyone was going to get tonight…

A white sports car with loud rap music streaming from it came next, and out stepped Yoshi, and a few of his multicoloured friends. A blue Yoshi named Boshi, a yellow one named Roshi, a pink girl Yoshi called Poshi, and a evil looking red one, who was named Moshi. They too had brought alcohol…

Peach was rather suspicious of Roshi and Boshi; she suspected they'd brought along a little something extra, maybe to mix in with their drinks…

Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong followed, in DK's Jungle Roller. Typically, they'd brought along several bunches of bananas and some expensive banana liqueur. Diddy Kong was wearing a rather cute looking waistcoat, and DK wore his typical monogrammed necktie.

Next was Goombruno. He drove up in his ancient blue Volkswagen beetle, and parked near the limousines. His car looked very odd compared to the other parked. And his own appearance was extremely different to everyone else. But Goombruno didn't care. He jumped out from his car and ran to the steps; then after jumping up each step, he leapt at Peach like a cannonball, luckily, she caught him quickly and they both hugged.

Goombruno was wearing bright red baseball boots, and white socks, along with a denim jacket covered with badges and patches and a black and red striped tie. The look was completed a black battered top hat with an army medal pinned to the front. His wild brown bushy hair stuck out in various odd angles as if he'd been in a fight with an angry gorilla armed with several tubes of exploding hair gel. He smiled, showing his large rodent-like bottom teeth.

Most Goombas were brown with sharp teeth, but Goombruno was as white as freshly fallen snow, and he had matching teeth like blunt icicles.

Goombruno was led to the room with the rest just as the final guest's car pulled up. It was the sparkling gold Parade Kart, belonging to Peach's advisor, Toadsworth. He was accompanying Toad and Toadette. Toad wore his best white waistcoat and striped trousers, Toadette wore an extremely cute flower patterned pink party frock, her hair tied in cute plaits that swayed from side to side as she walked.

Peach and Mario led them into the room with everyone else, and showed them to their seats.

The only furniture in the room was a multitude of chairs (not enough to seat everyone, some of the Koopa Kids, DK and Diddy were sat on the floor) and a podium that stood on a raised platform in front of the chairs.

The whole room fell silent as they walked in. Mario climbed up onto the pedestal, and gave out his orders, to take the beer into the board, and to put it all in the cooler that he'd had made specially for this party. Mario didn't say a lot - he explained that he'd tell them all more, when they were actually on the board itself. There was a small uproar from the crowd, and Mario smiled at his guests.

Toadsworth then stood up to address Peach. Peach remembered her manners and stood up and gave a curtsey. Toadsworth nodded in approval.

He cleared his throat before starting on Peach. "Now Peach, I have reason to believe this party is unsupervised, and there will be alcohol consumption…" He began sternly.

Peach gulped; she knew what was coming - one of Toadsworth's famous lectures.

"Peach, I do assume that you shall drink responsibly… And that you continue to represent yourself as your mother and father intended… And by that I mean, I wish for you to control yourself."

Peach looked at the floor. A few sniggers were heard in the hushed room.

"I do hope for you to act as the mature responsible lady that you are. Take control of your actions, and don't do anything against our wishes. And by that I mean…"

This went on for the next several minutes. Peach continued to stare at the floor, her cheeks burning a bright peony. By this time, almost everyone in the room was laughing.

"I do hope you have taken all of that in. Do you understand me?"

"Yes Toadsworth…" Peach mumbled.

Peach tried to control her temper, but what she really wanted to do was to rip off Toadsworth's head and kick it around the room. So, with _extreme self-control_, Peach took in a breath and nodded. She knew that everyone was going to tease her about Toadsworth for the next few hours…

After Toadsworth left (making sure to give Peach a stern list of instructions that she must do to take care of Toad and Toadette - this caused more laughter of Peach's ridiculing) Mario stood up, and led his guests down to his board.

Two more Koopas opened the huge wooden door; and a flash of bright lights and a rainbow of colours washed out from the door and covered the guests; who gazed back in awe. Mario turned and smiled, before leading everyone inside.

* * *


	5. Angry Chain Chomp!

**Chapter 5**

* * *

"Oh my gosh!"

"Whoa!"

"Hmmm… Not as good as _mine_…"

"Welcome to **Mario's Mental Medley!**" Mario announced.

"How long did it take to think of _THAT_ alliteration…?" Peach muttered.

"Okay, just to start off, everyone get a drink!"

There was a sudden stampede towards the cooler, everyone trying their hardest to grab their favourite. Toad and Toadette stood next to Peach, looking up at her pleadingly.

Peach went over to the cooler and took out a bottle of the banana liqueur. She looked at it suspiciously, and Toad and Toadette nodded excitedly.

"What do you think Mario…? Is it okay if they have a little nip?"

Mario didn't answer, he was over at the cooler with Wario, both of them competing to see who could drink a can of Foster's the fastest.

Peach shook her head and poured them out each a glass. They seemed to like it; both of them draining their glasses in less than five seconds.

Peach looked shocked, snatched their glasses away, and took the bottle back to the cooler safely away from their reach. Peach hoped it wouldn't affect them badly; she didn't need another several lectures - especially _angry_ ones.

By this time, Mario was waiting on the start space, and everyone was making their way over to him.

"Right... Unlike the _old_ Mario Party, the winner is the one who can survive the tasks for the longest. If you are eliminated, then there is still hope, you get to hinder others!"

They all nodded in approval - liking this idea.

"A new feature, everyone gets their own space, and if an opponent is to be landing on it; they shall feel your vengeance! In the form of evil, degrading mini-games of course! Right, everything shall be explained… We don't start with 10 coins like last time… That rule sucks! Right… Everyone take a card."

Mario held out a fan of cards; from which everybody drew one.

"Right, the number on it, is the order that you take your turns! Okay, who's got number one?"

It turned out to be Roshi - the yellow Yoshi. He punched the newly-made dice block, and rolled a number 4. He ran to the 4th space, and a Goomba dressed up as a cat gave him a bag containing 10 coins.

Wario took his turn next, rolling a 7; he landed on a green duel space. Fly-Guy flew down and bobbed above Wario's head.

"Get on-a with it!" Wario growled.

"Please choose your opponent."

"Erm… Boshi."

"What do you want from Boshi?"

"His beer! God damn! He got-a the last can - I wanted it!"

"What do you want to put at stake?"

"Erm… I uh, I got-a nuthin! Hey, I know! My pants!"

"Your pants…?"

"Well, I-a am not likely to lose, so why-a not?"

"I really hope he doesn't lose…" Peach muttered; she had just got a mental image of Wario minus his trousers, and she'd almost vomited with disgust.

"Wario, Boshi… Please enter." Fly-Guy instructed, as a glowing green Warp-Pipe magically appeared next to them.

"Okay, we can see the action; on the big-screen T.V monitor thingy up there…" - said Mario, pointing at a huge screen above them.

* * *

Wario and Boshi popped up from the Warp-Pipe.

"The rules are as follows…" Fly-Guy began. "The winner is the one who can make the Chain-Chomp angry first!"

"That's it?" - asked Boshi.

"Hah! Pushover!" Wario sneered.

Fly-Guy flew up to the stand. "You may use any methods at your disposal to anger your Chain-Chomp… Now… START!"

Boshi jumped in front of his Chain Chomp first, and began smacking it across the face with his beer bottle. The glass smashed against the Chain-Chomp's teeth, and shards of it got embedded in its tongue.

Back on the board, a few people gasped with horror at the carnage.

"That's animal cruelty!" Peach cried.

"I think it's funny!" - laughed Morton Koopa.

"Nyah-nyah-neh-neh! Who's a little baby…? Yeah that's right! YOU are!" Wario was hopping about in front of his Chain-Chomp, pulling out his tongue and sticking his middle finger up. The Chain-Chomp didn't seem to notice, it just yawned.

On the red side of the arena however; Boshi had started slapping the Chain-Chomp across it's face, and it was growling with rage. Then Boshi unzipped his trousers and began urinating in the Chain-Chomp's mouth. This was the last straw, the Chain-Chomp howled with anger, broke free of its chain and chased Boshi all across the arena, snarling menacingly with drool running down its mouth. Wario stopped his taunting; and scurried up to the platform in a panic.

"Make it stop!" Boshi yelled; panting loudly as the Chain-Chomp began gaining upon him.

Fly-Guy took out a tranquilliser gun, and fired a needle in the Chain-Chomp's back. Then he shouted out: "Boshi is the winner!" Fly-Guy waved his arms and teleported them all back to the board.

There was a wild applause for Boshi as he stepped down back onto his space. Wario glowered in the background, muttering and cursing to himself. Fly-Guy then spoke:

"The deal is complete, Wario; I must take your pants as you agreed."

"Pervert!" Wario growled; but he removed them just the same, and handed them to Fly-Guy who took them gingerly.

The sight of Wario's trouser-less state caused many to feel nauseated, and Princess Daisy had to run to the bathroom to be sick. Wario narrowed his eyes at everyone who was laughing at him. He went red and raised both his middle fingers at them; going purple with rage. He took off his jacket and tied it around his waist to redeem his dignity. He scurried back to his space; muttering and cursing under his breath.

* * *


	6. TRUCKS AWAY!

**Chapter 6**

* * *

Next up was Waluigi, who was given a box of free Sparky Stickers from a Boo at the side of the board. Waluigi laughed evilly; he loved using them.

By this time, Mario and Wario had drank so much, they were talking to Donkey Kong about nuclear psychics, and telling Toad and Toadette where the best fried chicken takeaway in town was. (Half of the time, they were using incomprehensible words; such as _'murrrgh'_ and _'heurrff'_)

Following up was Daisy, who landed on a bright blue 4-player mini-game space.

Fly-Guy flew down again; waving a bright blue flag.

"It's time for a 4-player mini-game!" He called loudly. Everyone stopped talking and stared at him. "Whoever loses this game shall be eliminated!"

Fly-Guy then magically produced a giant slot machine that hovered in mid-air next to him. Instead of coin and '777' symbols, there was a picture of everyone who was taking part in the party. Fly-Guy took in a deep breath and then whacked his head into the side. This caused the wheels to start rotating - the three pictures that stopped were: Bowser, Diddy Kong and Morton Koopa.

* * *

Everyone suddenly felt like they were being twirled in a giant washing machine - several turning pale green with nausea. The whirling stopped eventually, and the four challengers were stood in a giant arena, painted blue and yellow. All the other guests were seated around them, on raised platforms.

Before them was a immense truck, with four exhausts. It was the biggest metal monster they'd ever seen - even bigger than the Mecha-Bowser that Bowser had built to terrorise everybody during the events of _Mario Power Tennis_.

Fly-Guy hovered above their heads, waving a yellow flag.

"Challengers, choose yourself an exhaust!"

Daisy looked horrified. "What?! Dude, this dress was like, two-thousand coins!"

"Yeah well, bitch, my friggin' _shoes_ were like _five_-thousand, and guess who had to walk through the bloody stables full of shit an hour ago to check on the Chomps?!" - Fly-Guy snarled, his teeth bared, his nose pressed right up to Daisy's own. She stepped backwards, slightly scared, but secretly thinking 101 curses in the back of her mind.

"Right, like I was saying, before stupid _mildew_ here interrupted me… Choose yourself an exhaust, and whoever is blasted out last is the winner. I choose…" (Fly-Guy closed his eyes and span around before pointing at a random audience member) "You! - To be the truck revver!" he said, pointing at Goombruno.

Goombruno jumped up, grinning evilly. "Of course, Fly-Guy sir… I've _always_ wanted to blast someone out of an oversized truck exhaust!"

Fly-Guy blew his whistle, and Goombruno leapt from the stands, and rocketed over to the driver's seat in the truck.

Diddy Kong chose the pipe on the far left. Daisy reluctantly climbed into the one beside it. Morton and Bowser had a typical father-and-son argument, before Bowser heaved his huge son up under one of his tree-trunk arms and shoved him head-first into the far right pipe.

"Ready… Steady……….._**REVV IT!**_"

Goombruno gritted his teeth and forcefully stamped down onto one of the four coloured pedals. There was a slight silence, before the far right pipe rumbled into life, exploding with a burst of flame and cloud of smoke - sending Morton Koopa flying backwards into a pile of cardboard boxes - which made up the walls of the arena.

Goombruno stuck his head cheerfully out of the window. "Have a nice flight?" - he called to Morton, who was angrily picking himself up and wiping some of the black gunge away from his eyes.

"You little _asshole!_" - he growled, making to run towards the driver's cabin and pound the living hell out of the Goomba, but two huge Koopas grabbed him under the arms, and dragged him away whilst he screamed in rage.

"Don't worry Morton, everyone who is eliminated, gets the chance of revenge upon the final few in the last games!" Fly-Guy smiled.

"And… _**REVVVVVVVV IT!**_"

Goombruno jumped down onto the blue pedal, which triggered the far left pipe - and Diddy Kong was blown out of it, straight into another set of boxes - which unfortunately contained a month's supply of slightly aged bananas.

Diddy Kong's face lit up; despite the black dust that covered him from ears to tail. He picked up a rather squashed banana, which was black, and had a rather vile looking liquid secreting from the cracks of the skin and took a huge chomp from it.

He wasn't very satisfied with this - he spat it out furiously on the ground; before being led away by the Koopas.

"ONE… TWO… _**REVV!**_"

Goombruno whacked his shoe off the red pedal. But nothing happened…

Daisy held her arms over her ears, dreading what was about to happen. Bowser just looked confused, and slightly pained - as a huge amount of flame was burning his backside.

"Bowser's stuck! The fat-"

"Don't say 'fat'!" Bowser screamed.

Mario jumped from the stands. "Damn it! I knew we should have made these wider - for the fat ass of Bowser!" - he slurred, taking a swig from yet another bottle of beer.

He staggered over to the snacks table by the side of the arena, and picked up a huge chocolate cream cake…

"Mario!" Bowser screamed, hot fudge sauce trickling down into his eyes, blobs of cream tumbling from his forehead.

Mario laughed. "Thanks to his fat ass, Bowser gets a lucky stay in!" He announced.

There was a chorus of boos and cheers from the crowd, before the Koopas came over with a brick of butter.

Bowser shot from the pipe like a cannonball, crashing through the outer wall of the arena. He ended up flat on his belly a few meters from the pipe he was fired from - due to the awesome rebound. He groaned with pain, and tried to stand up.

"We have a winner!" Fly-Guy cheered.

Daisy - still inside her pipe, breathed a sigh of relief.

"Now revv 'em out Goombruno!"

"Wait!" Daisy yelled, "Nobody said- _AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHH!_"

Daisy's scream filled the whole arena, as Goombruno stomped down onto the green pedal, and Daisy was propelled from the pipe in a flurry of fireworks and confetti.

A crowd of Koopas leapt from behind the stands, and lifted the injured princess onto their shoulders.

Mario jumped down from his seat, with a bottle of shaken champagne. He let the cork fly out, and sprayed the victor liberally with a burst of sticky, alcoholic glory.

She tried to struggle free of the Koopas' grasp, to avoid further damage to her expensive and beautiful dress - but it was no use.

After an extensive celebration, they set Daisy back on her feet. She stumbled, dizzy from all the excitement - and from the shock of being fired from an exhaust cannon.

"Ah yeah… Maybe you'll win the money back for your dress…" Mario mumbled.

Daisy looked down at the tattered remains of what was once a lovely dress. It was torn in several places, covered with black exhaust dust, stained with blood in a few places from where she'd contacted with the wall; and now very sticky with the celebration champagne.

"You _bastard!_"

"Yup." - smiled Mario, swigging the drink again. "That's me."

* * *


	7. You're Under Arrest? Sort of!

**Chapter 7**

* * *

The next few turns were anything but eventful. The guests waiting to take their turns were getting restless. Donkey Kong sat down on a red space, and tipped the full bottle of banana liqueur down his throat. He promptly threw it back up a few seconds later all over a poor Goomba who was standing at the side of the board.

It was Luigi who brought the whole party back to life again, as he stepped onto another blue mini-game space. Fly-Guy flew down and spun his wheel. The four contestants were: Luigi, Peach, Mario and Lemmy Koopa.

This time, the huge green warp pipe led them into an endless black void.

"Argh, Mario is that you?"

"Hey bro, where are you?"

"OW! Peach, that was my foot!"

"Oh, sorry…"

* * *

Suddenly, all four of them were blinded with the stinging headlamps of police cars. They looked around anxiously, and around twenty of them had encircled them.

"Uh-oh…" Peach mumbled, her stomach churning around with fear. She threw herself to the ground and pleaded: "Oh please, let us go… I'll never ever do anything like that again… I-"

She stopped, as everyone began staring at her. She quickly stood up, and looked down at the floor, blushing a little.

A giant Koopa - almost as tall as Luigi - wearing a navy blue police uniform and cap stepped forward. He was quickly joined by several others.

The four bewildered participants were violently shoved around, and their wrists furiously thrusted into steel handcuffs.

"What's going on?!" Peach yelled, looking as if she was about to burst into tears.

The Koopa shot them all an evil grin. "This mini-game… Is called: "Fool The Cops!"

Peach's expression changed instantly, and she was fuming straightaway. "It's only a friggin' mini-game!"

"Looks like ol' Peachy here was fooled!" The Koopa laughed, and his comrades joined in.

Peach took a step backwards, burning hot.

"Luigi, come hither." The Koopa said sternly.

"Huh…?" - he asked, sounding confused.

"Step forward…" The Koopa ordered, sounding slightly annoyed.

"What…?" Luigi slurred, his eyes rolling backwards.

"Get your ass here!" - Yelled the Koopa, waving a steel truncheon in the air above his head.

Luigi did as he was told, and slowly shuffled forward to where the Koopa was indicating. The Koopa removed Luigi's handcuffs, before instructing Luigi to stand on one foot, place his right finger on his nose, and his left hand behind his back.

He did so, wobbling dangerously, hopping agitatedly to and fro to keep his quickly decreasing balance.

"Now… Recite the alphabet."

Luigi sniffed hard, and glanced at the sky. "A… B… C… D… L… M… N… O… G…" He said slowly, each word slurring over his alcohol-fuzzed tongue.

"Wrong, wrong, WRONG!" The Koopa screamed, seizing Luigi by both arms and quickly forcing them into another pair of heavy steel handcuffs.

Lemmy was next.

"Ummm… Ermmmm… A…? B…? Errm… C…?" He said slowly, forming his letters very slowly, his fists clenched in concentration.

"Didn't your Daddy ever teach you your ABC's?" Peach asked him, her nose in the air.

He bent his head in shame. "No…" He whispered.

Lemmy was led away too, his scaly legs and tail tied tightly with steel shackles.

Mario, without a doubt failed. He could barley stand up on two - no FOUR - legs than one. He tumbled down hard onto his backside, before giggling wildly like a child, and wailing: "A is for ass, B is for balls, C is for crap, D is for dick, F is for fuck!" His voice got higher and higher pitched with every word.

"And G is for grass - as in this type of GRASS!" He laughed, before producing a makeshift marijuana spliff, lighting it and smoking it intently, a stupid grin across his face.

Peach sighed. Mario was a total embarrassment. She stood still, her right leg pointed out gracefully like a ballerina. She began to recite. "A, B, C, D……"

"X, Y, Z. Now I know my ABC, tell me what you think of me!"

"We think you're cheating - breath test time!" The Koopa screeched, before grabbing Peach around the waist, while another one placed a long metal stick into her mouth, which sent signals to a peculiar-looking machine, perched on the back of the police car.

"Analysing data…" The machine bleeped, its robotic voice slicing through the air. "Data analysed. Conclusion reached. Conclusion found as: Severe Halitosis, a toothbrush and mouthwash are urgently required, A.S.A.P!"

Peach went scarlet. "I do NOT have 'Severe Halitosis'!" - she yelled. She folded her arms tightly, before shoving up her long, dainty, perfectly-manicured middle finger up at the machine.

"Fuck you, stupid machine…" - she muttered.

Suddenly, two Shy-Guys appeared from behind the police car. They pounced on top of Peach, one of them shoving a very bristly scrubbing brush into her mouth and scrubbing hard at her pearly teeth. The other leapt in front of her, throwing a whole bottle of Listerine mint mouthwash over her head.

"Owch! It _burns!_" - she wailed, rubbing her sore eyes quickly.

"Well at least your _eyes_ will have minty-fresh breath…" The Shy-Guy laughed, grabbing his partner and scampering away sharpish - before Peach got her hands on them.

Peach stood there, fuming. Absolutely livid. - So angry, that her crown was beginning to radiate the heat. She clenched her fists and turned to Fly-Guy.

Mario was laid out on the floor, a tiny puddle of drool and orange-coloured vomit in front of him, clumps of it stuck in his moustache. Lemmy was looking sadly down at his shackled feet, trying his hardest not to cry. Luigi was wobbling, still trying to stand on one leg, and still trying to remember what letter came after D - although he kept breaking into a wild ballad of Cher's _Do You Believe In Life After Love?_

Peach opened her mouth to say something, but Fly-Guy cut in.

"Yes Peach, you _are_ the winner, although you have very bad breath."

Peach scowled, green mouthwash dripping from the ends of her hair, a huge wet patch on her shoulders and chest. She picked a stand of brush-bristle out from her front teeth – though being careful to do it discretely.

"Thank you." she said flatly. "Now, may we return to the board?"

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE?"

"Luigi…"

"I CAN FEEL SOMETHING INSIDE ME SAY-"

"Luigi!"

"I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU'RE STRONG ENOUGH, NO-"

"LUIGI!"

Luigi eventually stopped singing, after Peach had hit him around the head a few times with the huge scrubbing brush that had been shoved around her mouth earlier.

Fly-Guy waved his sceptre, and they were all warped back to the board in a shower of lilac shimmering stars.

* * *

**A/N:**** - Thanks to ****shadow-spawn180**** for his mini-game idea. :D**

* * *


	8. Make Outs, Make Ups, & Murders!

**Chapter 8**

* * *

"It's time for an event!" - shouted a Goomba, who was standing on a pedestal above the board. His hair was grey, but very spiky, his teeth were false, but very pointy, and he wore an old waistcoat from the 80's, in a glam-rock style design.

"Grandpa!" Goombruno yelled.

"_Goombroony!"_

Goombruno shot up the pedestal faster than a Koopa on roller blades. He was at the top in no time, both him and his Grandfather hugging. (Goomba-style, I mean, how can you hug with no arms?)

"How, the hell did he get up there?!" Daisy asked, sipping her Tequila Sunrise.

"I really don't know…" Peach replied, squinting at the top of the pedestal.

"What are you doin' here Gramps?" Goombruno asked him.

"We was all hired, Mario called out all the Goombas in the land to help out with the buildin' of this here thingamabob… I was jest asked to do dese here honours for this darn announcement." - he said, with a heavy southern American accent.

"I didn't know Goombruno was from Texas…" Peach muttered to Daisy.

"Nor did I know his Granddad was an 80's glam rocker…" Daisy whispered back.

Goombruno scrambled down, and his Grandpa got on with his announcement. "Right then, you lot. We is havin' us a big haul event!"

There was a sudden flash of light, blinding everyone for five seconds.

When it cleared, half of the guests were missing.

"What, the hell… Was that?!" Peach asked nervously, glancing around.

"Aye-aye-aye… My eyeses are all busted!" Wario groaned, rubbing his eyes.

"Where's Mario?" Diddy Kong asked, bouncing up and down excitedly on the end of his long tail.

"Wh-wh-where is the great lord Bowser?" Bowser Jr. cried.

"Look behind you…" Grandpa said, pointing his foot in the direction opposite to which everyone was facing.

When they turned, they were faced with twelve flashing warp-pipes, each in a whole rainbow of blinding, neon, seizure-causing, flashing colours. Each one had a number, written in a fancy style upon it.

"Now… Choose a pipe - and no fighting - you'll all get one of your own!"

"But I thought there were twenty-four guests?" Peach asked, before remembering everyone had disappeared.

"Peach, maybe you shouldn't have anymore drinks tonight…" Daisy said softly.

"I'm not drunk!" Peach yelled angrily. "Gosh! I have bad breath, then severe halitosis, now I'm so drunk I can't remember what happened eight seconds ago…" – she listed, sarcastically.

"Well done Peach, the first step of conquering your drink problem, and a bad breath problem, is admitting it." Daisy smirked.

Peach was just about to wrap her hands around Daisy's neck and strangle her, when Daisy quickly ran off and jumped down a pipe, labelled #7.

Peach turned around and noticed she had Toad clinging to her dress. "Don't kill anyone Princess." he said, quietly. "Toadsworth would-"

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT TOADSWORTH!" Peach exploded. "He can go and shove a friggin' vibrator up his fat, posh arse for all I care - and I hope the shaking gives him a heart attack!"

"Umm… Princess… You might want to look behind you…" Toad whispered.

Peach's jaw dropped, and she slowly turned her head.

"Fooled you!" Toad shouted, and then collapsed with laughter at the expression on Peach's face.

"I'M GONNA TURN YOU INTO HEAD CHEESE YOU LITTLE MUSHROOM PIECE OF SHIT!" - she screeched, grabbing Toad by his trousers and shaking him violently.

"Auuughhh!"

"I'M GONNA BLOODY KILL YOU!"

"S-s-security! Rabid princess on the loose!"

Peach dropped Toad, as she realised a huge gang of security guards were running down the board, towards her.

"Oh yeah… um, oh would ya look at the time! I gotta go, see ya!" she jabbered, before diving down Pipe #10.

* * *

_Pipe #1_

"Oh, hi."

"Is that-a you Mario?" Wario asked, grinding his teeth.

"No."

There was a silence.

"See this?"

"Woo-wow!"

"Get to it."

* * *

_Pipe #2_

"Hey Moshi."

"Yo."

"You want some of the stuff?"

"Hell yeah."

(Foil rustling)

(Crack, crack)

"Ahhhh…"

"Great isn't it?"

* * *

_Pipe #3_

"Huh… where am I?"

There was a loud rumbling noise, before Diddy noticed a huge barrel tumbling down towards him.

"Argh!"

He quickly jumped up, and hooked his tail around a metal hook above his head.

"Damn. I could have got him."

"D.K?"

"Yes, it is I. Your uncle."

"MY UNCLE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!"

"True, true. DIE YUPPIE SCUM!"

More barrels thundered down.

"Are you blind? They won't hit me, I'm hanging up here!"

Suddenly the hook gave way! (Well, wasn't that obvious, and doesn't it always happen when you don't want it to?)

_Ha ha, Diddy Kong dies._

* * *

_Pipe #4_

"I'm-a Waluigi, gimme all your coins-a!"

"Yoshi."

"Ummm… Yoshi - what are-a you doing with that-a baseball bat?"

(Whack.)

(Whack, whack, whack.)

"_Yoshiii_!"

* * *

What occurred in the other pipes remained a mystery. - Until everyone came out that is. Everyone emerged from their pipes simultaneously, where Fly-Guy and Grandpa Goomba were waiting for them.

"Mario! That was-a you!" Wario screamed, punching Mario in the face.

As he was so drunk, Mario felt no pain. He laughed to himself as the scarlet blood poured from his nose and upper lip and trickled down his chin. "Wario is a bender!" he chanted, and pretty soon - got everyone else joined in.

Mario slowly buttoned up his overalls, and zipped up his flies, while Wario turned a pale green colour, and furiously wiped his lips with the back of his hand.

"Wario made out with Mario!" Wendy Koopa yelled, and everyone burst out laughing.

"WHAT?!" Peach screamed, shoving her way through the crowd.

"Oh no…" Mario said, smirking. "Wario did more than 'make-out'." - he giggled childishly.

Now it was Peach's turn to get a swing at the punch-bag that was now Mario's face. "You're cheating on me, with THAT!" she wailed.

She stepped back, her knuckles stained with Mario's blood.

"What was in your room, Peach?" Fly-Guy asked.

"What? Oh. Umm… Sudoku…" she muttered.

Everyone gasped.

"Yeah I know, _torture_… But I guess Mario had fun… Doing it gay-style with bender here!" she screamed, thrusting her finger in Wario's direction.

Waluigi moaned unconsciously on the ground. He was beaten to a bloody pulp, with the baseball bat forcefully shoved up where the sun don't shine…

"Yoshi!" Yoshi smiled.

"Yoshi killed Waluigi!"

"He's not dead…" Fly-Guy said, poking Waluigi's lifeless body. "A little playful beating with a baseball bat is totally harmless, I assure you."

Next to Waluigi were two dead Koopa Kids, Roy and Ludwig.

"Don't worry, we can give them Phoenix Downs. That should revive them."

"What the hell are Phoenix Downs?"

"Oh… Never mind."

"And Donkey Kong's killed his nephew too by the look of it…" Peach muttered, glancing down at dead Diddy.

Donkey Kong suddenly grabbed Peach by the wrist, and cuddled her close to his chest.

"HELP! I'M BEING HUGGED BY A KILLER GORILLA!"

"Ha ha ha! Killer Gorilla! That rhymed!" Goombruno collapsed on the ground laughing. Goombruno's laugh was a breathless, high-pitched squeak, at about 428 miles per hour - so it drew everyone's attention. By the time their attention turned back to Peach and Donkey Kong, he had her held by the waist, her skirt lifted up, her pink bloomers lifted _down._

"What in the hell are you doin'!?" Mario screamed. "No fucking monkey is bumming MY girl!"

Peach's screams of pain filled the huge room, echoing all the way to the Beanbean Kingdom!

* * *

_**Queen Bean:** Lady Lima, what is that noise?_

_**Lady Lima:** Just Princess Peach being sexually gratified by a giant gorilla._

_**Queen Bean:** She really should dump that Mario. I think she is perfect for our Peasley._

_**Prince Peasley:** No way! I like Luigi best, he's so stunningly handsome! (Dreamy sigh)_

* * *

After Mario wrestled Peach free from the crazy ape's grasp, (D.K. now had a broken bottle of Archers embedded in his face) she burst into floods of noisy tears.

"I don't believe it!" she howled. "I've just been totally humiliated! I fucking hate you all!"

Wario began laughing. "Peach's got an oversized butt-hole!"

"You needn't talk - bummer!" Goombruno cut in.

There was a sudden noise; as Daisy emerged from Pipe #7, giggling wildly.

"I really had fun tonight."

"Me too."

Luigi turned, filled with burning anger.

Daisy and a huge figure draped in a black mask and cloak were walking hand in hand up to the crowd.

Just as they reached them, Daisy turned to him and said:

"By the way, who are you anyway?"

He said nothing.

"Don't worry, I had great fun! Even if your meat… Was kind of _scaly._ And your breath was kind of… _fiery…_"

An eerie silence fell across the crowd like mist. Everyone's eyes were glued to Daisy and the hooded figure.

He took down his hood, revealing the huge scaly face of the Koopa King, Bowser.

Daisy looked like she wanted to cry, scream, laugh, and murder someone all at the same time. She frantically looked from Luigi, to Bowser, and back again. She threw Peach a pleading glance, but she was also resisting the urge to murder someone - either Mario or Wario.

Luigi squeezed the neck of his bottle of Bud so hard, it shattered into thousands of jagged pieces.

He carefully scooped up the broken bottom half, and leapt onto Bowser's head. He thrust the sharp-edged weapon into his face, and punched him fourteen times in the nose.

Bowser was too taken aback to even protest. Within a few seconds, he was sprawled out unconscious on the ground.

It looked like this whole party was going to turn into a vicious bloodbath of carnage, but it was Goombruno who sorted everything out.

* * *

Bowser, Diddy, DK, Waluigi, Roy and Ludwig were taken off to the medical wing by a team of Boos, wearing nurse caps - while several Koopas and Goombas set to work sweeping up the broken glass, and mopping up the spilt blood.

"Come on guys..." Goombruno pleaded. "This is meant to be fun isn't it?"

Peach interrupted. "Excuse me, but I don't find a giant gorilla fondling my bottom very _fun_." she said meekly.

"Well maybe not, but… Can we just try and get some order back?"

Mario laughed. "You're starting to sound like that old codger, Eldstar!"

Goombruno shook his head. "No, I just don't want to you to be sued for all this. If someone were to be killed on your property, you'd be charged, several million coins." He smiled. "No more pasta, you'd be living off used drug needles, and half eaten Wimpy burgers from the trash!"

"NOOO!" Mario screamed. "I don't wanna get AIDS and have to eat WIMPY burgers!"

"Exactly." Goombruno laughed. "Now, take your turn, Peach."

* * *

**A/N:**** - Jeez, that chapter was so **_**dirty**_**. I never realised until I read it over. I do hope I've not mentally scarred you all – because there's more to come! :P**

* * *


	9. Bathroom Fight!

**Chapter 9**

* * *

Peach leapt up and smashed the dice block. It stopped rolling, and landed on a number six. She dashed over to the square that was lit up, counting her steps.

"Four, five, six…" Peach looked down at her feet, she'd stopped on a purple square, with the silhouette of Wario upon it.

Fly-Guy whizzed past Peach on roller-skates, did a cool 180 degrees turn, and skated back to her.

"Nice entrance." Peach smiled.

"Right everyone, you remember the mini-games you all designed?"

Everyone nodded.

"Where you wrote down your ideas on the yellow paper, and handed them to Mario?"

Everyone nodded again.

"Well, Peach just got yours, Wario!"

Wario laughed manically. Fly-Guy beckoned him to come over to the centre of the board. He waddled up, still holding a bottle of Budweiser. Wario was given the magical sceptre, and he waved it majestically in the air above his head.

Fly-Guy spun the wheel: Peach, Daisy, Yoshi, Roshi, Toadette and Larry Koopa were the unlucky guests taking part this time.

* * *

This time, the sickening, swirling sensation led them out into another arena - but this one just looked like a bathroom. The sides of the ring, where the spectators sat, along with the floor, were paved with sparklingly clean white tiles.

Right in the centre of the arena, was the biggest toilet that they'd all ever seen. It was even bigger than Bowser after a night on the mega mushrooms.

"But I don't have to go potty right now!" Toadette exclaimed.

Peach glared at her. "What's all this about Wario…?"

Wario snickered. "Well, my game is called 'Royal Flush'."

"Yes… Continue…" - said Daisy, curiously.

"And the object, is for you dudes, to carry those princesses all the way up this slope…" He waved the sceptre, and a giant slope, made from rolls of toilet-paper appeared. "Then, you gotta battle each other with these." He said, gesturing at a set of oversized cotton swabs. "And, the last one standing on the seat, is the winner."

They all looked at each other, then up at Fly-Guy; and they all nodded.

Fly-Guy hovered in the air above the ring, and waited, whilst Roshi lifted Daisy up onto his back, Yoshi bent down and let little Toadette seat herself comfortably on his saddle; and Larry Koopa reluctantly lifted Peach onto his shoulders.

The screech of the whistle was heard, and all three men struggled up the toilet-roll tower, trying hard not to buckle under the weight of the girls on their backs. The girls all held their humungous ear-swabs tightly in their fists, and Daisy and Peach shot each other menacing glances. Toadette just waved her arms around happily, enjoying the ride on Yoshi's back. The crowd sighed out an _'awwww'_ at her cute performance. Roshi and Yoshi just looked at each other, looking like they wanted to vomit.

They rapidly reached the top, and Peach and Daisy began to thrust their swabs at each other, determined not to be knocked off, and into the disgusting, dirty, bubbling water in the giant toilet bowl below.

The crowd leapt up onto their feet, watching the almost-graceful battle which was taking place above them. Roshi and Larry scuttled around quickly, dodging the attacks of their opponents, whilst Daisy and Peach were sat up straight, their eyes burning with determination, as they aimed and attempted to bash at each other with the swabs. Yoshi and Toadette weaved in between them, trying hard not to be whacked.

"Eat ear-juice, fruity girl!" Daisy yelled, smacking Peach across the head with the swab. Peach lost her balance, and almost tumbled backwards off of Larry's shoulders. She quickly recomposed herself, and leapt at Daisy, red with rage. Peach swung her swab, as if she were hitting a home run - but Daisy and Roshi were too fast; they jumped backwards out of swabbing-range. Peach accidentally hit Toadette instead.

Toadette wobbled violently, almost plummeting down to her doom; but luckily, Yoshi flicked out his tongue and caught her before it was too late.

She sat up, and threw an evil glance at Peach. One side of her head was bright red, where the swab had hit her, and her eyes were filled with tears.

Peach gulped, feeling completely awful. She hung her head with shame, dreading what Toadsworth would say if Toadette blabbed. She looked at her, guiltily.

"Umm… I'm sorry Toadette…" Peach mumbled. "I meant-"

Peach didn't finish, Yoshi bounded high in the air, and plummeted down onto Larry's head; whilst Toadette slung her enormous swab over her shoulder, before smacking Peach full-force in the face.

Peach hurtled backwards, Larry sliding out from underneath her, and tumbling down the steps to the ground. Peach screamed wildly, as she plummeted down into the murky water in the bowl.

She hit it with an almighty splash. She resurfaced, coughing and sobbing loudly.

"You _stupid cow!_" Peach screamed, flailing her arms in a tantrum.

Toadette smirked, and raised her swab in triumph. Yoshi giggled, and bounced Toadette up and down on his back in victory.

Daisy and Roshi just stood there, dumbfounded.

Yoshi turned around quickly, and began to charge towards Roshi, Toadette perched on his back, the swab held out like a jousting spear. Roshi turned to run, whilst Daisy yelled in fear.

Yoshi and Toadette flew forward, and Daisy was flicked off of Roshi's back, as if she were a butterfly. Roshi tumbled over the side, and landed hard on the dusty crash mat on the arena floor.

Daisy fell like a stone, landing in the bowl with a _plop._

Toadette waved her swab in the air, and Yoshi sang out for joy.

"Toadette!" Daisy screeched from below. She coughed hard, and yelled out in disgust.

Fly-Guy encircled Toadette, swaying from side to side in the air.

"This game's winner is: Toadette!" He shouted out, in a poor _Super Smash Bros. Melee_ imitation.

The crowd went insane, jumping up and down and cheering, as Yoshi bounded down the steps, Toadette clinging to his neck for dear life, as they were both showered with roses.

Fly-Guy leapt up onto the gigantic toilet chain, and grinned down at Daisy and Peach, who were furiously treading water down in the bowl.

"So long suckers!" - he laughed, leaping down on the chain. The water swirled rapidly, and they vanished in an instant.

The crowd suddenly stopped, and stood still.

Toadette gasped. "You killed Peach and Daisy!"

Everyone fell silent.

* * *

**A/N:**** - Thanks to ****decaf1092**** for their mini-game idea. :D**

* * *


	10. Return Of The Dead!

**Chapter 10**

* * *

Everyone sat silently in a circle in the centre of the board. They all hung their heads low, some of them crying.

"This party is a curse…" Toad sobbed.

"Yeah!" Poshi cut in. "First it was Diddy Kong, Waluigi, Roy and Ludwig…"

"And now Peach and Daisy are dead too!" Toadette burst into tears. "And it's all my fault!"

Luigi put an arm around her. "It wasn't your fault Toadette sweetie." he said gently. He buried her head in his chest, and gently rocked her.

She snorted and sobbed, and then looked up at him. "But it was my fault, I killed them!"

"It wasn't you." Boshi said, grumpily. He glared up at Fly-Guy, who was hovering behind them. "He's the one who pulled the chain!"

"Aww jeez, give it a rest will you?" Fly-Guy growled.

There was a sudden scratching from underneath the grass they were sitting on.

They leapt up, startled, and stood around the patch of earth which was bouncing up and down.

"The hell?" Wario asked, peering curiously at the ground.

"Have you got gophers or something?" Donkey Kong questioned, stomping down on the patch with one of his enormous paws.

The soil exploded, and a huge, ugly pink face popped out.

"Oh bloody hell…" Fly-Guy groaned. "The Goombas buried you _here?_" He glared over at a group of Goombas stood by the side of the board, each one wearing hard helmets and coveralls. "I told them to shove you in the Stardust Fields Quarry!"

Birdo struggled free, and spat out a huge egg, which zoomed through the air and plastered Fly-Guy upon the far wall.

"You tried to _bury_ Birdo?" Luigi asked, sounding confused.

"_Urggghhh…_" Fly-Guy groaned; his whole body was embedded in the wall. "We were all sick of the whore stealing the spotlight…"

Yoshi leapt out from behind his friends, and wrapped his scaly arms around Birdo. They embraced almost-romantically; then Birdo delivered a disgusting drooley kiss upon Yoshi's face. When she finally let him go, he was dripping with thick, sticky saliva.

"Yuck…!" Toadette exclaimed.

"Oi, get a room you two!" Wario laughed.

There was a loud clanking noise from beside the cooler. Everyone turned to look - not noticing Fly-Guy sliding down the wall, leaving a trail of blood behind him, nor did they notice Yoshi and Birdo setting off again with their disgusting kissing lark.

The dustbin beside the cooler and the snack table suddenly rattled, and the lid tumbled off, and clattered to the ground.

"You've got a _dustbin monster!_" Toad screamed, hiding behind Mario.

"Oh get a grip will you?" Mario snapped. However, he grabbed a chair, snapped one of the legs off, and armed himself with the splintered piece of wood before approaching the moving dustbin.

Standing well back, he gently tapped the side. It shook hard again, and rolled onto its side. Everyone jumped backwards, holding their breath.

"Thank God for that!" Came a voice from within.

Donkey Kong gasped; as a small girl monkey emerged from inside. She shook herself down, and glanced around nervously. She was diminutive, not much bigger than Diddy Kong; and her hair was blonde, tied back in a long ponytail. She wore a bright pink waistcoat and beret, complete with pink kneepads, and even her toes were painted pink.

"Dixie! Where the hell have you been!" Donkey Kong yelled, pushing his way forward. "Grandpa's been worried sick!"

"Hey, hey… Cool it." Dixie said calmly. "Fly-Guy kidnapped me a few days back, did you all miss me?"

Donkey Kong didn't answer. He leapt upon Fly-Guy, who was moaning on the ground, covered with blood. He grabbed him by the neck, and began pummelling his face into the floor.

"Where's my darling Diddy?" Dixie asked, glancing around for him.

"I'm up here Dix!" Diddy called, swinging down from the lighting on the ceiling.

Dixie leapt up onto the support rails to join him. Within seconds they were hugging upside-down, hanging on to the rails by their agile tails.

Donkey Kong glared up at them, envious.

"Aww, what's up D.K.? Jealous because Candy Kong dumped you?" Mario taunted. - Donkey Kong punched him in the face.

Fly-Guy whimpered, barely able to speak. "I… Told you… They'd come back… Phoenix Downs… See?" And with those words, he collapsed on the concrete floor, dead.

Waluigi, Roy and Ludwig were sat on the cooler, grinning at everyone, as if nothing had happened. Bowser was stood beside them, a huge bandage bound around his blooded-up face.

"Umm… Maybe we could use some of those Phoenixy Down thingies on Fly-Guy?" Toad mumbled.

Everyone looked at one another.

"Naw."

* * *

Dixie and Diddy sat together on the rails, drinking Bacardi and Coke, gazing lovingly into each other's eyes.

Birdo still had her mouth clamped to Yoshi's, like a vacuum cleaner - so neither one of them could breathe, let alone drink.

Mario and Luigi were stood around the cooler, with Wario and Waluigi, arguing. Probably about something pointless, like which brand of nachos were the best.

Everyone was just absorbed within the social atmosphere, lounging in the sweet smell of friendship - when a horrific scent filled the room, and everyone retched.

"Urgh, Wario! Was that you?" Mario asked, holding his nose.

"I don't know if it's possible, but this is WORSE than Wario!" Waluigi snickered.

"Blarrgh…" Wario moaned, his shirt pulled up over his nose. "Who ever thinks they can beat me at bottom burps, they better stand up right now and battle me to see who's truly the best!"

Everyone turned their attention to the double doors, which led onto the board. From their far distance, all they could see were two figures, soaking wet and stinky.

"I swear, I'm going to _murder_ that bitch!" Peach growled.

"I know!" Daisy shouted. "I'm gonna burn Fly-Guy, then shove _him_ down a friggin' toilet!"

Everyone burst out laughing, when they realised it was Peach and Daisy, back from their ordeal around the U-bend.

"It's not funny!" Peach screeched indignantly.

"You've got toilet-paper on your shoe, Daisy!" Luigi laughed, wiping the tears from his eyes.

Peach looked like she was going to cry. "I'll never get this stink out!" - she whined.

"Yup." Waluigi sniggered. "You'll just have to stink like a sewer for a while, that's all."

"Go get a shower, girls?" Goombruno suggested. "We'll just get the next game ready while we wait."

"Alright then…" Daisy said, wiping gunk out of her hair. "Save me a Smirnoff Ice!"

* * *

**A/N: - A shout out to ****HobbesLuigi82**** - for my 50th review! **

**Also a big thanks to all of you other persistent readers, such as: ****raccoonz-the-un-l33t****, ****dArkliTe-sPirit**** and ****shadow-spawn180****. Not forgetting any of you lot, thank you all for the support so far through these first 10 chapters! **

* * *


	11. Mushroom Idol: PART ONE

**Chapter 11**

_**Guest Starring: HobbesLuigi82!**_

* * *

**A/N: As you will have noticed, by the title, this chapter contains the witty wisecracks from non-other than the amazing author of _The Pez Dispenser and The Reign Of Terror_, and _It's A Weird, Wild World_! - HobbesLuigi82! Enjoy this new chapter, CO-AUTHORED with HobbesLuigi82! **

_**Note: The next one or two chapters may be slightly longer than previous, but please do note, Rathe and Dixie both worked extra-hard on them! **_

**- _Dixie Stonehall._**

* * *

"Hello everyone, and welcome to the new series of _Mushroom Idol!_ Broadcast direct from the Dream Depot, high above the skies of our Fair Mushroom Kingdom!"

"Come on baby, don't blow it now!" The cameraman - Lakitu mouthed to a very nervous hostess, Goombella Shroomette.

"And our three judges today are…"

Lakitu spun around, and pointed his camera to each judge, who were sat in a row behind a table.

"Simon Trowel! The world's most evil judge!"

Simon didn't speak, he just gave a small wave, his face set like stone.

"Dixie Stonehall! Most usually known as, Mog Anarchy!"

Dixie smiled. "Yo."

And "Rathe - A.K.A, the almighty author: HobbesLuigi82!"

Rathe waved feebly. "Hey."

Dixie sniggered behind her hand, and clapped mockingly.

Rathe just ignored the laugh. He turned to Simon.

Simon shook his head in despair at the idiotic grinning face of Dixie, smiling stupidly like the Cheshire Cat.

Rathe, too, examined the face. He, also, found it somewhat unnerving.

"It looks like that our judges have some rivalry running already!" Goombella smiled, putting on a huge fake smile for the camera.

Everybody was lined up beside the audition room entrance, while Dixie Kong walked up and down, handing everyone pieces of paper, each one had a song title written upon it; the song they would have to sing to 'wow' the judges.

"And first up, it's Boshi!"

Boshi gulped, and walked slowly through the huge wooden doors to the audition room. It felt like he was being led to the electric chair.

Once inside, he stepped onto a star-shaped panel on the ground, and a spotlight shone down onto his head.

"Introduce yourself."

"Umm… I'm Boshi."

Rathe choked. "Dear God!" He said. "Some party! From your breath, it smells as though there isn't a man, woman or child who isn't as high as a kite!" He coughed.

"Aww man, all the pop-stars nowadays are crack-heads." Dixie sighed, shaking her head in despair.

Boshi looked to the ground, his blue scales suddenly flushing pink.

Simon collapsed to the table he was behind. "I'm allergic… To drugs…" He wheezed.

"Vitamin C?" Rathe asked him.

Simon nodded. "Everything." He replied.

Dixie giggled. "Doh. Why did they stick me with these two idiots huh?" She smiled at Boshi. "So then, what are you going to sing for us?"

"Umm… I'm going to sing Slipknot's _Duality. _Is that cool?"

"Fine," Rathe answered. "Just don't light up, or Simon here is going to break out in welts."

Boshi cleared his throat, and began to growl.

"**_I push my fingers into my eyes… It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache… But it's made of all the things I am today… Jesus, it never ends, it works its way inside… If the pain goes on… Aaaaaaaah!" _**

He suddenly jumped in the air, his huge leather boots rising a full four foot from the ground; and began headbanging to phantom metal music.

Dixie giggled at him. "Alright Boshi, that's enough." She turned to her left. "Rathe?"

Rathe's unsatisfied frown and his two upturned thumbs were more than enough. Saying anything would've been unnecessary.

"Ah… I shall take that as a no, then?" Dixie grinned. "Simon?"

"Dreadful." He coughed, in his usual trademark way.

"I've heard cows who've been kicked up the arse give better sounds than your singing. Awful!" Simon finished.

Dixie shrugged. "Sorry Boshi, that's the way it goes, I'm afraid." She turned to Rathe. "Rathe? His punishment?"

An evil look plastered Rathe's face. He opened his drawer underneath the table and pulled out a Swiss Army Knife. He flicked out the blade. "Dixie?" He asked. "Did you bring yours?"

"Aye." Dixie smirked. "I never leave home without it."

Both of them climbed over the front of the desk, while two Koopa bouncers grabbed Boshi by the arms.

"We push our fingers, into your eyes!" Dixie taunted, jabbing Boshi with the knife.

"Ooh, wait, wait," Rathe said. He took a handkerchief out of his pocket and tied it around his eyes. "Okay, here goes," he said. He drew his arm back, and threw the blade. It pierced a hole clean into Boshi's left eye.

Dixie made a small squeak of disgust, and reeled backwards, grimacing at the sight of eyeball gore.

Simon passed out, and hit his forehead on the table. The smell of crack and the gore had been a bit too much for brain to cope with.

"Yuck." Dixie whimpered. She delicately averted her eyes as the two bouncers dragged Boshi away by his feet.

"Alright, NEXT!"

Mario stumbled through the door, the left side whacking him as it swung back. He cursed angrily, and after a lot of what seemed like hard work, shuffled along the room, and onto the hot-spot.

He grinned stupidly, still clutching a bottle.

"Alright Rummy, whatcha gonna sing?" Dixie asked, impatiently drumming her fingers on the table.

Mario tripped over. He quickly got back up, trying to maintain what little dignity remained about his person. "Peatot… Teapot, Sooong!" He slurred.

Simon scratched his head. "Well…?" He asked.

Rathe sighed. He could tell from a mile off Mario was going to be hopeless case. "Get on with it!" He ordered.

"R-Right," Mario stammered. "I'm a tittie leapot… What was it? Oh yeah…Sport and spout! Or stout? Who gives a fuck? Here's my candle, here's my gout! When I get a steam up, I will shout -"

Mario was now even attempting a little bit of dance with this, but he dropped his bottle. Fury overtook his brain. "DAMN IT!" He screamed. "That's it, I'm done!" He bellowed.

Dixie didn't respond, she had her head down on the table, snorting with laughter into her notebook.

Rathe, too, was laughing. The drawer beneath the table opened and a small, fuzzy, brown soft toy hopped out and into Rathe's lap. "Who's drunk?" Browny, the toy, asked.

"How dare you smuggle your pet into here!" Simon exclaimed, throwing his hot carton of coffee over Mario. "Outta here, you!"

Dixie looked slightly uncomfortable. "But I brought my pet too." She brought out a Pokéball, and a slender lilac Espeon popped out. She snarled, and sniffed Browny curiously.

Browny danced slightly, happy there was another animal around. It was a pretty simple dance - he jumped off one foot to the other alternatively while waving his arms in the air.

Espeon batted him away from her with a quick flick of her paw. She smirked evilly, as she watched the -now rowdy Mario being dragged away; kicking, screaming and drenched in scorching hot coffee, by the Koopas.

"NEXT!" Dixie hollered, hoping that they'd hear her outside.

A small Koopa Kid walked through the doors - being careful to jump out of the way of the quick swing-back. He had an exploded vertical hairstyle, sprayed in seven colours, and huge spectacles.

He nervously scuttled over to the star-spot, and glanced around cautiously.

"Hello Iggy…" Said Evil Espeon.

He jumped, startled. "How did you know my name!"

Espeon laughed out loud. "I'm PSYCHIC!"

Browny wiggled his arms. "I know your siblings names, an' all - Ludwig, Wendy, Morton, Roy, Lemmy, and Larry."

"How did you know that?" demanded Iggy.

Browny held up a sheet of paper. "I read it off the flyer," he replied.

Dixie shook her head in despair once more. Simon remained silent, as if he were scanning Iggy's voice box, thinking up insults in advance.

"Will someone please shut the furry blob in a cage somewhere? He's moulting all over me!" Dixie whined, brushing curly brown hairs from her shoulder.

Evil Espeon cut in. "What are you gonna sing, Lizard Boy?"

"That's my li-" Dixie began, but Espeon pressed both her front paws to her lips to silence her annoying Trainer.

Rathe picked up Browny, who was trying to scratch his back on Dixie's leg.

"Hey, I was enjoying that," he whined. To shut him up, Rathe slammed a Mars bar in his mouth. Browny wolfed it.

"I'm going to sing Wheatus' _Teenage Dirtbag_…" Iggy mumbled. "Is that okay with you guys?"

"Fine, fine," Rathe replied. His attention was soon diverted. Browny was pouring a bowl of custard into Simon's trouser pocket.

Iggy tried not to laugh. He cleared his throat shakily, and began to sing:

**"_Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby! Yeah I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby! Listen to Iron Maiden baby with me… Ooohoooooo!_" He leapt up enthusiastically. "_Oh yeah! Dirtbag!_"**

Rathe had stuffed cotton wool in his ears. "Sorry," he said, "But your performance was comparable to that of a small kitten being tied up in bag and being mercilessly beaten with a baseball bat. Dixie?"

"Urgh." Dixie muttered. "Bloody terrible." She said, clutching her ears and wincing in pain.

Iggy went red. "Surely it wasn't THAT bad…?" He asked, his glasses steaming up.

Browny threw a pie in Iggy's face. "Simon, your opinion?" He asked.

"I can honestly say, that was one of the worst renditions of a song I have ever heard." He said grimly. "Downright dismal."

Iggy wiped his face, looking like he was about to cry.

Dixie took slight pity on him. "Rathe, maybe we could give Iggy his reward?"

Rathe thought about this. "Throw the switch," he told Espeon.

Espeon leapt up, excited. She pushed both of her front paws down onto a huge red lever.

There was a loud rumbling sound, followed by a scream, as a trapdoor opened below the star panel, and Iggy tumbled downwards into the sewers below.

"Now you're a REAL teenage dirtbag!" Espeon called, grinning cheekily.

"Urgh," Browny winced, peering over the trapdoor. "Do any youngsters these days bother to wash?" He asked, shaking his head.

Rathe slapped him. "Oi! You're the one who hates baths!"

Evil Espeon grinned. Browny was now laid on Dixie's chest, resting his furry face on her cheek.

"Ummm… Dixie?" Espeon piped up. "Browny told me that he hasn't had a bath in four and a half weeks!"

Dixie's expression changed instantly, and she shoved Browny onto the floor.

"Eww! Get away from me, you little twerp!" She yelled at him.

Browny's little heart broke! He leaped off and ran out the swing doors, crying all the way.

"He'll be back," Rathe said. "He has moments like this."

Dixie hung her head. "I feel all guilty now…" She was silent for a moment. "Browny can slap me if he likes…" She mumbled shamefully.

Rathe laughed. "No," he said. "I think he's gone to have a bath. Don't worry."

Dixie grinned. "Thank God for that!"

Simon sighed, now growing impatient. "WHO'S NEXT?" He yelled, his voice booming out into the corridor outside.

Daisy poked her head cheerfully around the door. "Yoo-hoo!" She laughed, and bounced into the room, practically skipping to the star spot. She got right to the point:

"I'm going to sing Tom Jones' _Sex Bomb_…" She giggled nervously. "Is that fine with you lot?"

"Sure, go on," Rathe said. "Simon? You look ill," Rathe commented.

"Glad to see you took a shower, Stinky Lily." Dixie smirked. "Go on then, ready when you are, Mildew."

Daisy glared at Dixie, but smiled, fluttering her eyelashes at Rathe and Simon. She took in a breath and began to sing; waving her backside, and shaking her bosom as she danced.

"**_Sexbomb, Sexbomb you're a Sexbomb, You can give it to me, when I need to come along, Sexbomb, sexbomb you're my sexbomb, And baby you can turn me on!" _**

She gave an elaborate twirl, and grinned at the two men, pushing up her Wonderbra ever so slightly.

Rathe ignored her sly hints, and simply said, quite blankly: "Crap. Plus you looked like a whore." He turned to Dixie. "Opinion?"

Dixie grinned evilly. "Yup, pretty shit if you ask me."

Simon said nothing, but he seemed to be drooling out of one side of his mouth.

Dixie slapped him. "It's a unanimous vote. Get outta here, whore."

Dixie reached under the desk, and pulled out a Bob-Omb. She hurled it at Daisy - and it exploded violently, covering her fresh dress in black soot, and scorching the ends of her hair.

"Now, that's a REAL bomb." Dixie laughed.

Daisy furiously wiped the black soot from her face, and gave Dixie a 'I'm-going-to-kill-you-now-bitch' look. Rathe, too, found a Bob-Omb under the desk.

"Merry Christmas!" he cheered, and threw the bomb at her. Daisy darted out the room, faster than a bullet.

"Aww. Did you have to be so hard on her?"

Dixie stuffed a wad of tissues into his mouth. "Not another word."

* * *

**End of part one!**

**Writing this chapter with Rathe was immensely fun! Look forward to the second helping of Mushroom Idol, in Chapter 12 - coming up very soon!**

**Thanks to MedievalPrince123 for the awesome Mushroom Idol idea!**

_**- Dixie & Rathe**_

* * *


	12. Mushroom Idol: PART TWO

**Chapter 12**

_**AGAIN Guest Starring: HobbesLuigi82!**_

* * *

**A/N: Oooh no! This Mushroom Idol is running on for more than one chapter?! Arrrgh! ****Sorry, but we don't want to make these chapters too long, you see. The time will just fly by, we assure you. (For all of you Mushroom-Idol haters…) But for all fans of Mushroom Idol… It's good news, we guess!**

_**- Dixie & Rathe**_

* * *

"Whew…" Dixie sighed, running her hands through her hair. "How much longer does this go on?"

"NEXT!" screamed Simon, determined to end this torment as soon as possible.

The pink Yoshi bounded in, her thick fur tied back in a ponytail, swinging back and forth. She stepped onto the star, and smiled up at the three judges.

"Oh, dear God," Rathe muttered under his breath. "Where did they get these from?"

"Jeez, I dread to think," Dixie muttered. "Go on then, sing us a song, Poshi."

Poshi cleared her throat nervously, fiddling with the corner of her miniskirt.

"**_We need water… Good, good water. We need water, and maybe somebody's daughter… C'mon, gimme good water… C'mon, gimme good water… C'mon, gimme good water… Please don't refuse me, mister!_"**

"Where's the cat being strangled?" Rathe asked, looking around.

"Owch, my ears." Dixie laughed. "Seriously, these chavs all think they can sing, but they have no chance in hell!"

Simon shook his head. "Too terrible for words. It's a definite no…"

Browny darted through the doors, shouting: "I'm cleeaaaaaaan! And was I mistaken, or is someone yodelling?"

Dixie giggled. "Not quite Browny; we just have some chav issues…" she paused, "Care to deliver the punishment?"

"Yay!" Browny danced. He ran out of the room, and quickly returned with a hosepipe. "I need someone to put the tap on."

Rathe ran over and turned on the tap. He put it all the way to full blast. Browny aimed at Poshi, and shouted, "Clear!"

_**FWOOOOOSSSSH!**_

The force was enough to knock Browny back as well, but that was nothing compared to the soaked heap Poshi was left in.

Dixie shook her head pityingly at the drenched heap of Yoshi. "Well… You said you needed water…" she smiled sweetly.

"And a nice patronising comment to finish," Rathe grinned at Poshi. "Get outta here."

Poshi growled under her breath, and squelched out of the room, leaving wet footprints across the plush red carpet.

"Nee-xt!" Dixie called, leaning over the desk to project her voice into the crowded corridor outside.

"Helloooooo, judging people!" Peach squealed excitedly, bounding in through the doors, and skipping over to the star spot. She smiled stupidly at them all, sticking out her tongue and twiddling her thumbs.

Rathe fell forward and his head hit the desk. He put his hands over his head and mumbled into the table: "I may as well give up hope now…"

"Umm… Peach?" Dixie said slowly, "Had a little bit too much to drink tonight?"

Peach giggled. "Of course not, Trixie, I'm just rather excited, that's all."

Dixie glared at her. "It's _Dixie_…"

Rathe looked up and took another look at Peach. "Are you sure? Because from here you look tipsy as a speeding milk float."

"I like stir-fry!" Peach announced. "Especially those with the little chocolate muffins in!"

Simon shook his head. "I have an idea," he whispered to Rathe and Dixie. Simon turned to Peach, and said: "Say: 'She sells sea shells by the sea shore', as fast as you can!"

Peach blinked. "Umm. She sells sea shells, by the sea shore…" She rolled her eyes, showing that she wasn't challenged. "Sea shells she sells, on the shore sea… Erm. I mean: She shells sea sells on the she shore!"

"Well done," Rathe mocked. "You pass the acid test of friendship. Whadd'ya singing?"

"Italian pasta!" Peach sniggered. "It's _Time To Say Hello_. Erm… I mean '_Goodbye_'!"

"I wish it WAS time to say goodbye - to Peach…" Dixie muttered, glaring at Peach. "Get on with it then!" Dixie snapped.

Peach took in a deep breath, and massaged her throat. Then she burst into a ballad of such a high-frequency, it would have caused deafness within a Labrador.

"**_Che sei con me, con me, Tu mia luna tu sei qui con me, Mio sole tu sei qui con me, Con me, con me, con me. Time to say goodbye!_"**

All three judges had their fingers stuffed protectively in their ears, as all the windows in the room shattered into thousands of jagged pieces.

Browny crawled out of the swing doors, gasping for air. "Auntie Em!" He moaned.

Rathe opened one eye, looked around, and said: "I already had a hearing problem as it is, but dear GOD! I've heard jumbo jets that sound like click beetles compared to you!"

Dixie winced painfully as she rubbed the inside of her left ear delicately. "Yow… Who murdered the cat? Wait a sec, who murdered a whole town of cats; with a rusty coat-hanger?"

Dixie patted Browny on the head comfortingly. "Yes Peach, GOODBYE."

"Yay," Browny said. He leapt behind the desk and found a plate of spaghetti. He threw it in Peach's face, sending tomato sauce splattering all over her. "Justice is served!" He laughed.

Dixie burst out laughing. "Well… You seem to like the Italian… Why not go the whole hog?" Dixie leapt down underneath the table, and reappeared with two plates of Tortellini. She handed one to Rathe. _"Mangi la pasta, femmina!" _

"Haven't got a clue what that means," Rathe said, "But I hope it means, 'Dinner's up'!" He drew his arm back, and flung his plate right into Peach's face.

"It means: '_Eat pasta, Bitch!_'" Dixie yelled, hurling her plate too. She was also on perfect target, splatting Peach in her face.

Peach stood in the centre of the room, bewildered. Her eyes welled up, she furiously brushed sticky pasta out of her eyes, and snorted loudly to remove it from her nose, and ran out of the room in floods of noisy tears.

Simon was still lying in his chair with his fingers in his ears. Rathe pulled them out, and said, "It's OVER."

Simon smiled weakly. "Thank God for that." He looked up nervously at the broken windows. "We'll bill her royal ass for those." Simon grinned. "NEXT!"

Toad entered cautiously through the swing-doors. "Um… Hello?" He asked nervously. "I'm, uh, here for my audition." He made a little dash for the middle of the room.

"Ahww. How cute!" Dixie sighed, her stupid smile practically stretching from ear to ear.

"Yay! A Mushroom Retainer!" Rathe cheered. "My widdle faves!" he said, in a cute voice, like a mother 'oohing'-and-'ahhing' over a baby.

"God… He's a freaky mushroom man." Simon coughed, shaking his head despairingly. "Just sing, will you sunshine?" Simon said acidly.

Browny jumped into Simon's lap and slapped him. "Oi. No knocking the mushroom people."

Evil Espeon appeared from underneath the desk. She batted Browny away angrily. "Can't an Espeon get some sleep around here? Can't we bring Italian girl back? Her voice was so soothing; it rocked me gently to sleep."

"Knocked you out, more like." Dixie smirked. "Come on then Toad; sing for us!"

Toad shuffled his feet anxiously. "It's _Ninety-nine Red Balloons_… Is that okay?"

He coughed, then opened his tiny mouth and began to sing solemnly:

"**_Ninety-nine red balloons, Floating in the summer sky, Panic bells, it's red alert! There's something here from somewhere else, The war machine springs to life, Opens up one eager eye, Focusing it on the sky, As ninety-nine red balloons go by!_" **

He bounced up and down on his heels as he sang.

Dixie was practically drooling. She had her elbows propped up underneath her chin, and was gazing adoringly at Toad. "You're a darling!" She exclaimed, nodding her head excitedly like a Churchill nodding dog.

Rathe, too, had been captivated by the little bobble-headed mushroom's performance. Rathe's voice was so high only dogs could pick up what he said: "IT WAS SO CUTE!"

"It sucked." Simon said gruffly. And whilst both Dixie and Rathe were drooling over the cute mushroom, he quickly produced a syringe from the desk drawer and shoved it into Dixie's spine. She instantly fainted, tumbling off her chair and onto the floor.

"And Dixie agrees with me…" Simon growled, kicking Dixie in the neck, giving the impression of her nodding.

"Aww, that blows," Rathe moaned. "Sorry, Toad. Two against one."

Simon smirked evilly. He scooped Browny out of his personal porno drawer, under his armpits and stood him up straight on the table.

"Hey! Hey!" Browny called. "What's going on?! I was having fun in there!"

"Hey Browny…" Simon whispered into his fuzzy ear. "You help us give Toad his punishment; and I'll give you a look at my secret Jordan fold-out... The one where she...-" (Various muttering and stupid sniggering)

"Aw, yeahhh!" Browny said, in a jaunty, gruff voice. "I'll go get the hose to fill them up!"

Rathe looked confused. "Hey, you're not going to give Toad a pun-"

_**THUNK! **_

Simon clonked Rathe on the head with a mallet. He collapsed off his table.

Browny returned through the swing doors, arms filled water balloons. "Ninety-nine, precisely," he grinned.

"Great." Simon grinned. He laid back and propped his feet up on Dixie's lifeless body. "Hey; you're good for something after all, Dixie!" He laughed to himself. "You and Evil Umbreon can deal with the fungi problem."

Evil Espeon emerged from under the table. She leapt at Simon, and tore wildly at his face.

"I AM NOT AN UMBREON!" She screamed, slapping him across the face on both sides, with ferocious paws. "I-AM-AN-ESPEON!" She yelled, in between slaps.

Once Simon was completely flat out on the floor, covered with blood; beside the unconscious Dixie and Rathe - Evil Espeon and Browny both began bombarding Toad with the ninety-nine red water balloons.

"Ninety-nine… Ninety-eight… Ninety-seven…" Espeon counted down, giggling wildly as she splattered Toad each time with perfect aim.

Toad's heart shattered. "I thought you liked me!" He sniffled.

"We DID," Browny said. "But, eh, y'know. Shit happens. Just have a nice wet soak! That reminds me…" Browny darted behind the drawers and leaped into Simon's one. "Espeon, take over for me, will ya, please?"

"Porno freak!" Espeon yelled. She took out her relentless anger upon Toad. "Fifty-three… Fifty-two… Fifty…"

_Two hours later…_

"Three… Two… One…"

"I'm ba-ack!" Browny called, popping out of the drawer. "Did you finish?"

Toad was now drenched in more of his own tears than he was in water. He stood awkwardly on the star spot; now beyond what could be referred to as 'drenched', and snuffling quietly into his tiny hands.

"I think that said it all," Browny said.

Dixie struggled out of her unconscious state; and found herself laid out in three inches of water.

"What the fuck?!" Dixie yelled, jumping up and wringing her clothes out.

Rathe slowly came around, mumbling. Then he felt a cold shiver around his spine. He shot up like a rocket. He looked around. Espeon looking evil. Simon half dead. Dixie soaked. Toad inconsolable. Browny with a massive grin plastered over his face. "What the hell?!" Rathe slowly asked, but to no-one in particular.

Goombella began screaming from outside the corridor.

Dixie looked up. "What's happened? Someone got murdered? I hope it was Dixie Kong."

Goombella dashed in. "The whole corridor is…"

She glanced at the floor. The carpet now a three-inch deep swamp. The drenched Toad. The soaked Dixie. The half-dead Simon. The confused Rathe. The very evil looking Evil Espeon. And Browny, his head buried in a three-page fold out.

"…Flooded?"

* * *

"Urgh… I grow so tired of this banter…!" Dixie moaned, hitting her head off her clipboard. Then she scanned it, ignoring the small smear of blood across the names - which had protruded from her forehead, upon contact with the razor-sharp bulldog clip.

"I guess it's Yoshi next…" Dixie said. "NEXT!"

Yoshi hover-jumped into the room, rapidly kicking his feet in an attempt to keep his boots fairly dry. He found a dry spot and landed on it, at which point he broke into a cheesy grin and said: "Hey, guys!"

Dixie didn't notice, she was too busy watching one of the Koopa cameramen floating across the room, struggling on his back. She giggled to herself evilly at his misfortune.

Evil Espeon tutted - she was now perched on the back of Dixie's chair, following her feline instinct of the dislike of water. She wrapped her two tails around Dixie's neck to gain her attention.

"Alright!" Dixie choked, struggling free of the tails. "Hi, Yoshi."

"Your move," Rathe said. He was playing checkers on the table with Browny.

"No fair," Browny said. "That was a Triple Word Score box!"

Rathe turned around and noticed the green dinosaur. "Oh, hey, Yoshi," he said, dully. "We need a judge for checkers… Or you can just sing… Up to you."

Simon reached under the desk and lifted out a heavy wooden rowing boat oar. He smacked Dixie across the head with it, almost knocking her over - and smashed it down over the checkers board.

He growled: "…Do your job. Or I shall take all of the payment."

"That's not fair!" Dixie whined, rubbing her sore skull.

"Yes it is, I'm the rich one, with the lawyers. I can do as I please." He said, smiling a toothy grin at them.

Rathe looked disgusted. "Gee, you sure can fit a lot of stuff in that there drawer." Rathe lifted Browny off the table. "Come on, Browny. Let's let the demon sit here and ruffle through his little porno drawer."

"How did you know about that?" Browny asked.

"I saw you trying to carry it out the doors a few minutes ago."

"Yoshi… Just sing… We're all deprived of caffeine - and I want to destroy a banana…" Dixie paused. "JUST SING, WILL YA?!"

Yoshi, now frightened of the rabid blonde behind the desk, coughed, and waved his foot lazily around in the water, swirling around his ankles. He took in a breath, and started caterwauling:

"**_Who ya gonna call...? GHOSTBUSTERS! I ain't afraid of no ghosts… I ain't, I ain't afraid of no ghosts... GHOSTBUSTERS! I ain't afraid of no ghosts... I ain't, I ain't afraid of no ghosts...GHOSTBUSTERS!_"**

He bounced around wildly, before bounding onto the desk, almost knocking it over. He stuck his head right into Rathe's face; and whispered eerily: **"_Who ya gonna call...?_"**

"911, at this rate," Rathe choked.

"Where do they find them…?" Dixie whispered, leaning away from the crazed Yoshi. "…Um… Simon? What did you think?"

"You have a voice to awaken the dead. Awful!" Simon said. A couple of Koopas ran past and did a 'comedic' cymbal clash. "Yes, I'm great." Simon grinned.

"Totally!" Espeon yelled, bounding up and down on the back of the chair, making it rock crazily on its wheels. Dixie glowered, grinding her teeth loudly.

"Well, you thweatened me!" Rathe whined in a childish voice. "I don't wike da gween donkey th-inging! Take the bad man away, Mommy!" Rathe said, throwing extra drama into the mix. Browny jumped in and out from behind the desks.

"Browny!" Dixie hollered. "Do your thing!"

"Your evil wish is my twisted command," Browny smiled. He dove behind the desk and opened Rathe's drawer. An entire family of Boos rose out of it, all of them looking quite vicious and not in the mood to be ticked off.

Dixie bit her lip nervously, trying to hide her fear. Evil Espeon grinned smugly at her cowardly Trainer - who also happened to suffer from a fear of Boos.

"Umm… Y-Y-Yeah… B-B-Boos…" Dixie stammered, ducking down under the desk.

"Oh, wow," Rathe said, as the Boos flew and dived into Yoshi. "They make a nice light show!" He turned to Simon. "What's your opinion, you overpaid bastard?"

Yoshi screamed and flailed around madly, as the Boos encircled him, and began screeching in Boo language. What they were doing to Yoshi was unknown; but entertaining.

Simon just nodded, his eyes affixed upon the torment - whilst Dixie was quivering underneath the desk; her hands over her head.

"OK, OK," Rathe called, clapping his hands. "I think he's had enough. Haul him away!" The Boos picked up Yoshi, and carried him through the swing doors.

"Everyone alright?" Rathe asked.

"I want my blankie…" Dixie whimpered.

* * *

**A/N: Just a note for you all - Chapters 12 and 13 were originally all one chapter, but it was WAY too long. So, I had to split it in half… ****It took Rathe and I six and a half hours to write these two chapters, 12 and 13. No lie!**

* * *


	13. Mushroom Idol: PART THREE

**Chapter 13**

_**For The Final Time: Guest Starring HobbesLuigi82!**_

* * *

Simon glanced up at the clock, and nodded in satisfaction, knowing it was only another fifteen minutes until the coffee break.

"Alright, NEXT!"

Two brightly-coloured Yoshis walked calmly through the double doors and onto the star spot. One was Moshi, a red Yoshi - who had a bright purple Mohawk haircut, and several tail and tongue piercings. The other was Roshi, a yellow coloured one, and he wore so much black eyeliner, he could have painted the whole room in several coats with it.

"First impressions aren't good," Rathe muttered.

"I think they look cool…" Dixie muttered, instantly throwing her bunny-patterned blanket over her shoulder, the second the two Yoshis looked in her direction.

"Meh." Rathe said. "Just not my style. What are you screech-singing tonight, then?"

"Shut Me Up." They said simultaneously.

They both took a step backwards, and began growling, (like a warthog with catarrh):

"**_I can't wait for you to knock me up, In a minute, minute, In a second! I can't wait for you to shut me up, And make me hip like badass! I can't wait for you to shut me up... SHUT IT UP!_"**

"As you wish," Browny said. He leaped from the drawers, with a sock in his hand. "Merry Christmas!" He shouted, flinging the sock into Moshi's mouth.

Dixie dived under the desk, and after a few moments (involving Simon screaming "Get off of me, whore!") she reappeared with a pair of green socks, which she held at arms length, between her thumb and forefinger.

"Whew!" She laughed, "These would make skunks flee in fear!" She tossed one to Rathe, and bounded over the desk, stuffing it into Roshi's mouth.

Rathe picked up the sock, and said, "Dear God, gas masks fail me!" He tossed the sock into Roshi's face. Rathe dived under the table from the smell. "Fire in the hole!" He called. Browny jumped down with him.

Simon folded his arms, his face set like stone.

Dixie grinned. "Outta here, you two."

The two Yoshis spat the socks out in disgust, and stormed out of the room, slamming the door so hard that the window frames rattled.

Simon growled, shoving his bare feet back into his re-enforced Doctor Martens. "Daft cow…" He muttered under his breath, glaring at Dixie.

"Alright you lot! Neeeeext!" Dixie whistled, bouncing up and down in her revolving chair.

There was a scratching sound at the double doors, as the contestants on the other side struggled to open it. When they eventually managed to burst through, they stumbled, and fell flat on their faces across the soggy carpet.

Dixie burst out laughing. "Nice entrance there, you two!"

"Gee, Fred Carno's Circus, or what?" Rathe laughed. "Simon?"

Simon smiled. "That's the best talent we've seen all day!"

Rathe was astounded. "Dear God; high praise from _you!_"

"Indeed." Dixie sighed. "Come on then… What are you gonna sing?"

Bowser Jr and Iggy Koopa finally scrambled to their feet and dashed over to the star spot. "Well, we're gonna sing…" Iggy began.

"Flying Without Wings!" Bowser Jr. finished.

"Sounds good," Rathe said. "Go on, then."

Unfortunately, the two brothers' voices did not gel well together. Bowser Jr.'s voice was that of a wind-up toy that had been wound up a little too tightly, and Iggy sounded more like an earthquake blowing through a tuba.

"**_Those are the things that make you mine, And it's like flying without wings, 'Cause you're my special thing, I'm flying without wings!_"**

They both suddenly stopped and looked at one another. "..Um. We only know the chorus…" Iggy mumbled.

"We couldn't afford the whole CD, so we had to download a freebie from their spiderweb!" Bowser Jr. piped up, grinning all over his little face.

"Oh... How sweet!" Dixie sighed, her voice sickly sweet, as if she'd swallowed an entire jar of treacle.

Rathe's voice couldn't have been higher even if he was on helium. "Aww! It's cuter than fluffy _kittens!_ What do you think, Simon?!" Rathe turned to Simon, looking like a madman with wide open eyes.

"…Your voices go together as well as chalk and cheese… As well as Celine Dion and America... As well as Dixie here, and Dixie Kong."

Dixie whipped out a pocket knife and held it to Simon's throat. "Don't say that name around me, again…" She threatened.

"OK, OK," Rathe said, waving his arms. "We all know you don't like that… monkey, and we all know Simon is an overpaid celebrity paid to talk crap, but let's break it up!"

Dixie glowered, slumping down in her chair in a sulk. "It's not fair…" She whined, swinging her feet back and forth in irritation.

Browny leapt into Dixie's lap and said, "There, there. You're a _billion_ times better than that stupid excuse for a simian."

Dixie wrapped her arms around Browny and nuzzled her nose into his fur. "I know I am…" She whispered doubtfully.

Browny waved his arms happily. "Yay! Cuddlies!" He cheered.

Dixie giggled, now not caring about anything other than hugs. "Right then, where were we?"

"These adorable tykes, if I recall," Rathe said. "What do we think?"

"Kill spectators…!" Dixie slurred, too taken up with the hug.

Simon coughed. "Alright, alright, enough! I don't want this shit to run into my break…" He paused. "Just, throw 'em out the window."

"Yeah… sorry guys," Rathe said. "Nice try, but… your voices just aren't for each other."

"Exactly!" Dixie exclaimed. "And that's why we eat the barbeque beef flavour!"

Rathe raised an eyebrow. "Riiiiight…" he said, despairingly.

Evil Espeon leapt out from behind a box. "Right, let's kill the annoying brats, come on Browny!"

Espeon whizzed past the desk, whisking Browny out of Dixie's arms within a blink of an eye.

There was a loud sound of breaking glass, and both Bowser Jr. and Lemmy were knocked backwards through the window behind, by a very powerful Psybeam attack, delivered by the merciless Evil Espeon.

Dixie looked like she was ready to explode - and she did so, very violently.

"Espeon!" She screamed. "You're not a judge, you can't go around throwing good contestants out of windows! And you… YOU RUINED MY HUG!"

"Plus, _she's_ the one with the penknife," Rathe added. "Not _you_."

Espeon sighed. "Alright Dixie, shut up will you…" She padded back behind the desk and laid back down in her box.

"Damn her…" Dixie muttered, punching the desk in fury. Then she cried out in pain, and whined to herself as she cradled her sore fist in her arms.

Simon sighed in frustration. "Seriously Dixie, I don't think you could possibly become any more idiotic within the next five minutes…"

"Oh yeah? I'll show you!" Dixie scowled. "NEXT!"

Rathe nudged Simon. "That was a bit harsh… Even for you."

"Whatever." Simon said, gazing up at the ceiling in a bored, can't-be-bothered manner.

There was a gentle knocking at the double doors, and then they gently creaked open.

Toadette poked her head around the door, and then anxiously shuffled in, and over to the star spot.

Rathe's voice box flickered to 'helium' mode. "SO CUTE!" He shouted.

"Hee hee…" Dixie giggled. "Adorable."

Simon, his heart stone as usual, ordered, "Get on with it…"

"Umm…" Toadette mumbled. "…What do I have to do…?"

"SO CUTE!" Rathe repeated. "Well, basically, you sing any song you like, and we'll tell you if we like it. That's the basic gist."

"Oh." Toadette suddenly smiled. "Well okay, I'll sing one of my favourite songs…"

Toadette stepped forward, and took in a deep breath. Then, she began to wail:

"**_Babycakes! You just don't know, know, How I, I, How like it down low, low, And I just want you to know, That I think our love will grow, We'll take it step by step, Because I'm not something you own… Babycakes!_"**

"Em, great," Rathe said. "Just a LITTLE too high-pitched for my liking."

Dixie rubbed her ears. "Yow… That was… Disappointing…" She paused. "Ermm… Another thing Toadette, how old are you?"

"Umm… I'm six…" Toadette answered.

"Now, if you knew what that song was talking about… You wouldn't sing it…" Dixie mumbled.

"And the punishment?" Rathe asked.

Dixie rubbed her chin in thought. "Oooh! I know!" She said, whipping out her cell phone.

"Umm... Yo. Say, could you bring us a Zess T. sweet selection... A.S.A.P? Yup… Studio number 4... Thanks!"

Browny ran through the swing doors with cakes, piled right up to the ceiling. He dropped them on the table, grabbed one, and shouted: "FIRE!"

He hit Toadette slam bang in the face with a pie.

"Good shot!" Dixie laughed, giving Browny the thumbs-up. "I hope you like banana cream, Toadette, that's all she had going spare…"

"I hate the stuff," Rathe said, chucking a cake in Toadette's eyes. "All the more for you!"

Toadette screamed, and burst into a flood of tears. She sniffed, running out the doors crying: "I hate you!"

Dixie looked crestfallen. "Now I feel bad…"

Then she stopped, and gazed down at the wide assortment of cakes and pies laid out across the desk. "…Then again… FREE PIE!" She exclaimed, grabbing the nearest banana cream cake, and taking an enormous bite from it.

Rathe winced. "Banana cream pie… Blargh."

Even Simon was taking advantage of the free desserts, munching ravenously on a cream cake. "Come on Rathey, you're missing out on all the sugar!"

Rathe leaped from under the table and pushed Simon off his chair, landing on top of him. "DON'T CALL ME RATHEY!" He shouted.

"Hey hey!" Dixie yelled. "Come on, guys, cool it!"

Rathe lifted himself off the floor. "Whatever," He mumbled. "NEXT!"

The doors exploded open, and clashed loudly off the walls. Roy Koopa stormed in, his huge paws thundering across the carpet, and onto the star spot.

"Whadd'ya singing, Twinkie?" Rathe asked.

"Original Prankster!" Roy yelled, running up to the judges table.

Then he smiled, and held out his hand to Dixie. "Roy Koopa, a pleasure to be judged by you... Dixie."

Dixie smiled, and grabbed his hand, as a friendly gesture.

"YOWCH!" Dixie screamed, yanking her hand back. She stuck it in her mouth and sucked it hard to stop the throbbing pain.

Roy grinned, and opened out his palm, to reveal a novelty joke buzzer.

"What fun!" Rathe said. "Reminds me of the time I saw a cow die horribly getting caught in an electric wire fence."

Dixie whimpered, tears welling up in her eyes.

Roy snickered evilly at her. "Ah, Dixie, you're too easy."

Dixie blushed, looking to the ground. "Get on with it, before I kill you…" She growled, speaking through gritted teeth.

"Sing, turtle!" Rathe ordered.

Roy coughed, and began to croak:

"**_You're gonna bust out on it- Original Prankster! Break out, yeah - Original, yeah… Bust out on it- Original Prankster! You'll never stop now, stop now, that's what the married man say!_"**

"Sounded exactly like the poor cow, too. Terrible!" Rathe said.

Dixie growled at him, her right hand throbbing painfully. "It sucked Roy, face the fact."

Simon glared. "The buzzer - good. The singing - enough to make babies cry. Punishment?"

Dixie smiled. "Just get out… NOW."

"Will do," Browny said. He picked up Roy, and ran out with him through the swing doors.

After a few steps, Browny dropped Roy, and said: "Walk the rest of the way. You're too heavy." Browny went back to the judges area.

Roy dusted himself down, and walked off. But he missed the rope hanging down from the doorway, and-

_**TWOOONG! **_

He was pulled up the door by his foot, and **SPLASH** - straight into a bucket of water. Browny was watching through the doorway. "Job done," He smiled.

Dixie sniggered to herself. "Revenge... Ah, it's as sweet as banana cream pie."

"Urgh, don't mention THAT…" Rathe said.

There was a loud bell ringing, and a panic of screams from the corridor.

"Oh yeah! Coffee break!" Simon exclaimed. "At last!"

"Yay! Break time!" Dixie yelled, spinning around crazily on her revolving chair.

"I'm just glad to get out," Rathe said.

"I'm just glad to finally get away from Dixie!" Simon smirked, standing up.

"Heh, me too." Rathe said, lowering his voice.

Simon made no attempt to do so: "I mean, God, does that girl sleep or what? She's just …So stupid!"

Dixie ground her teeth angrily, all set to have her revenge. She dashed over to the desk drawers and took two of them out.

She slowly walked up behind Simon and Rathe - who were both discussing her.

"Goodnight boys!" Dixie yelled, jabbing the serum injections into their spines.

Both fell to the ground instantly.

After a long and extensive session of dragging the unconscious bodies into the supply closet, Dixie leant up against the door and smirked.

"Finally!" She exclaimed. "I have this show all to myself!"

Her maniacal laughter rang off the walls, and echoed down into the deserted corridors.

* * *


	14. Mushroom Idol: EL FINALE!

**Chapter 14**

* * *

**IMPORTANT A/N: We're back to good ol' fashioned solo authoring. Just Dixie flying alone now, Rathe went back to his box. Hee hee. **

**Most of you will be completely ecstatic to hear that this is the FINAL instalment of the dreaded Mushroom Idol! Others, may all cry, because they loved it so much. Whether you liked it or not; we shall now discover the winner within this chapter!**

**Many thanks to: The Great Yoshi Rider; for providing me with my 100th review!**

**- _Dixie_**

* * *

_**After two hours, and a cup of coffee, Dixie has finally realised her mistake, and feels full of remorse…**_

* * *

Dixie sighed, banging her head furiously on the wooden desk. "Why did I do that?" she muttered. "Now I have to do this poxy judging thing all by myself…"

"Oh no you don't!" came a voice from the doorway.

Dixie looked up, and Goombella was stood in the doorway, her eyes now watering with the strain of continuous fake smiling for two whole hours.

"Hey Dixie, we found you a partner; just to see you through to the end of the judging!"

Dixie smiled, looking hopeful. "Anyone cool?" She asked.

"Well, it had to be someone who wasn't taking part in the contest… And someone who was willing to."

Dixie gulped; that didn't leave an awful lot of possibilities.

"She's been sat out here bored for the past few hours, so we asked her if she'd join you. I hope it all works well."

"Oh no…" Dixie whispered. "Please not _Dixie Kong_…"

"Here she is…"

"Please not Dixie Kong…"

"Your new partner:"

"Please not Dixie Kong…"

"**Dixie Kong!**"

"…Doh!"

Dixie Kong bounded in, her blonde ponytail swinging around behind her, her bright pink beret perched jauntily upon her head. She smiled up at Goombella, then took a running dive at the judges table, and landed perfectly; balancing on one hand, upside-down.

The crew whooped and clapped, but Dixie was not at all amused.

"This is a talent show, not a circus…" Dixie muttered.

"Cool it, biped." Kong smiled, raising her eyebrows.

Dixie was just about to grab Simon's oar from under the desk, and smack the monkey all around the head with it - when Goombella and a group of Koopas dashed in, waving pieces of paper.

"Dixie!" Goombella called.

"Yes?" Dixie and Dixie said, simultaneously.

Goombella groaned. "Oh, whose smart idea was it to put two bloody characters with the same name in a chapter together?"

Dixie folded her arms. "It was mine, of course."

* * *

_**(A quick note; I just realised how awkward it is to have two characters with the same name in the same chapter - so, Dixie is still Dixie, and Dixie Kong is simply 'Kong'. Sigh, stupid illogical planning.)**_

* * *

"Right anyway, as I was saying - before some weird **BOLD** and _ITALIC_ sentence interrupted-"

"It was _two_ sentences." Kong grinned.

Goombella leapt into the air, and delivered a swift headbonk. "Quiet, monkey-face."

"Ha, you got PWNED."

"Anyway…" Goombella carried on, thrusting the paper onto the desk. "A new system, you give the final lot, a mark out of ten…"

"Since when has this shitty thing had a system?" Dixie cut in. (Goombella gave her a headbonk too.)

"Just get on with it…" Goombella growled, tossing her hair, and running out of the room.

"Fine!" Dixie screamed. "NEXT!"

A sinister snickering was heard from beyond the double doors - before they slowly opened, and Waluigi poked his head around them.

"Am I late?"

"Just get the frick in." Dixie snapped.

Waluigi continued laughing manically, as he bounded along the carpet - which was now almost destroyed, due to the explosions, the water, the banana cream, and the blood that had splattered it on every fibre.

Dixie drummed her fingers upon the desk in irritation, glaring angrily at Dixie Kong out of the corner of her eye - wanting to kick her under the desk.

Kong sighed. "Please, Wal… Get on with it."

Waluigi sniggered, jumping onto the star spot, and stuffing his hands into his pockets.

"…Tell us what you're singing, before I spontaneously slap you about the head with a telephone directory." Dixie snarled, lifting out a several thousand page yellow phonebook from under her chair, and slamming it down upon the desk.

"_Thank You For The Venom_." Waluigi said abruptly, massaging his throat. "Prepare to be dazzled, ladies." He snickered, performing a quick pelvic thrust.

Both Dixies looked disgusted.

"Wasn't there a policy…? No emo music allowed?" Dixie asked.

"MCR are _not _emo!" Kong argued.

"Yes they ARE!"

"ARE NOT!"

"ARE SO!"

_**(Two hours later)**_

"…They are fucking emo."

"…They're fucking alternative…"

"…Go and slit your wrists, you worthless monkey emo scum."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Waluigi screamed, diving onto the desk, and beating both girls with a large floorboard, he'd picked up from the wrecked carpeting.

Dixie rubbed her head furiously, wiping a smear of her own blood along her neck.

"Right then…" Dixie growled, reaching in her pocket, and taking out a Pokéball.

"No fucking Pokémon!" Kong yelled, taking the ball from her hand, and hurling it across the room.

As the container smacked against the concrete wall on the far side, the ball split it two down the centre, and Espeon popped out, radiating with rage.

"…Can't I just have one freaking nap in peace - without my idiotic owner, and her stupid simian friend from arguing about a band?!" Espeon yelled, jumping up onto the desk - her eyes burning with rage, whilst the ruby in her forehead was absorbing power, ready for a Psybeam.

Espeon turned to Waluigi. "…Sing, you lanky bastard."

Waluigi nodded, not wanting to argue with the fully-charged psychic menace. He shuffled back to the star spot, and cleared his throat.

"**_So give me all your poison, And give me all your pills, And give me all your hopeless hearts, And make me ill!  
You're running after something, That you'll never kill, If this is what you want, Then fire at will!"_**

"I'll gladly fire at will!" Kong shouted, whipping out a pistol.

Dixie sniggered to herself, grabbing Espeon by the neck, and holding her like a shotgun, her glimmering ruby held in Waluigi's direction. "I'm not afraid to use this!" She giggled.

Espeon struggled free, muttering curses under her breath, as she retreated back underneath the desk for another nap.

"What did you think, ladies?" Waluigi snickered, stroking his chest proudly.

"…Minus sixteen." Dixie coughed, holding up her whiteboard, which had "-16" written on it in neat italic handwriting.

Kong smiled. "I agree." She laughed silently to herself, as her eyes set upon a large red lever, beside her chair.

"Oooh… I wonder what this does…" She smirked innocently, before wrapping her agile tail around it, and tugging it hard.

There was a sudden rumbling, as the floor and walls began to shake violently, - a colossal earthquake, measuring 7.4 on Dixie's pocket Richter Scale.

"Pah… Is that IT?" Waluigi sneered, when the vibrations subsided. "I could have- ERK!"

Waluigi suddenly choked, as a ten-foot python had wrapped itself around his neck, and was crushing his bones into powder.

Dixie sniggered. "Snakes, eh? Good one."

Within seconds, Waluigi was constricted by several adders, pythons, boa constrictors and many other multicoloured snakes. They hissed angrily, spraying acidic venom onto his clothes, burning holes into the fabric.

"Oh boy! A chance for some photography!" Chirped a voice from the doorway.

"…What the?"

A tall man, with a thick beard and dark sunglasses barged past the security guard, who had been trying his hardest to keep him out - before taking out a large digital camera, and snapping up hundreds of photographs, posing awkwardly, as he stuck out his tongue in concentration.

"…Is that Mark O' Shea?" Dixie asked, placing her head on one side.

"…We seem to be a magnet for the celebrities." Kong muttered. "Not that I'm complaining!"

After several minutes, Waluigi ran from the room, half-naked, dripping with venom, screaming in terror - and was quickly followed by the avid snake obsessive; Mark O' Shea, his camera flashing every 0.2 seconds.

"Ooo-kay… That was weird…" Kong mumbled. "NEXT!"

A loud, echoing, psychotic laugh rumbled from beyond the double doors - and the dark figure of Lord Bowser marched in, accompanied by two Dark Koopatrols.

"Oh bloody hell… That's all we need." Dixie coughed.

"The evildoer has arrived." Kong smiled.

"What did you call me?" Dixie and Espeon simultaneously yelled.

Kong groaned. "And they say Pokémon are like their Trainers…"

"Ahem!" Bowser roared. "Can we stop out immature bickering, and concentrate on the most important person in the room…?"

There was a long silence.

"…ME! YOU BLUNDERING OAFS!" Bowser screamed.

"Oh!" Dixie exclaimed. "We thought you meant someone important…"

Bowser snarled angrily, a burning belch welling up in his throat.

"Now, now Bowser… If you're going to do that - please leave the room." Kong smiled.

Bowser grimaced. "…Be quiet… Or I shall take great pleasure in barbequing you."

"You know Bowser; grilled monkey, doesn't taste that good. I ate some in the Bahamas." Dixie sniggered.

"Come on then… Sing." Espeon ordered, jumping up onto the desk.

Bowser cleared his throat, smirking evilly.

"**_She was really bombed, And I was really blown away, Until I asked her what she wanted, And this is what she had to say:  
A pearl necklace! She wanna pearl necklace! She wanna pearl necklace!"_**

Bowser roared with laughter, before proceeding to take out his prized turtlehood from underneath his shell - and pounding away at the innocent Koopatrol beside him, pumping back and forth in perfect rhythm.

Dixie and Dixie stared at them, dumbstruck.

"…That image is never going to leave my mind…" Dixie groaned.

"…Ewww… I need to scrub my eyeballs." Kong grimaced, averting her eyes, as Bowser straightened himself up.

"Bowser… We really didn't need to see that." Dixie groaned.

"But it was a performance act!" Bowser protested, his eyes shimmering.

"…It was unneeded." Kong snapped. "Not to mention disturbing…"

"…And for that, your score drops from a two… To a minus sixty-four." Dixie growled.

Kong nodded, elaborately scrawling the minus sign upon her board.

Dixie jumped up onto her chair. "Oh… FLAVIO!"

The yellow-complexioned, pencil-nosed, red-clad sailor scuttled into the room, followed by several sailor Toads.

"You rang, madame?" Flavio asked, bowing low.

"Bring in… The one you named… 'The Gargantuan.'" Dixie sniggered.

2.89 seconds later, Flavio and his crew returned, hauling an enormous shell between them.

"…Is that a Cloyster?" Espeon asked, her ears pricked up curiously.

"No… But it's the next best thing." Flavio smiled.

"A Shellder?"

Everyone ignored her; as 'The Gargantuan' twitched violently, hurling itself off of the sailors' shoulders, and hurtling towards Bowser, its jaws open in a cavernous vacuum.

"The power of a bivalve should never be underestimated." Dixie smiled; as everyone watched the giant clam engulf Bowser in-between its enormous jaws, and bound out of the room, leaving a trail of seawater and seaweed behind it.

"It's not just pearls you get from oysters!" Kong giggled. "Good one."

"Okay… No more naked turtles, if you please…" Dixie muttered. "NEXT!"

The double-doors swung open, and Donkey Kong shuffled in, chomping on a banana, a cigarette in one hand.

Dixie Kong gasped. "I'm telling Grandpa!" She giggled at the expression on DK's face.

"You little tattle-tale!" DK shouted, making to run towards the desk - but Espeon began charging up another Psybeam, on top of the one she had already charged earlier.

DK gulped, and took several steps backwards, onto the star spot, his head hung low.

"She's better than a bodyguard and a security system put together, don't you think?" Dixie asked, rubbing Espeon on the head proudly.

"I'd say so." Kong smiled. "Come on then DK… Give us a song."

DK looked slightly embarrassed, as he stubbed out his cigarette on the end of his necktie, singeing the end. He coughed quickly, before taking in a breath for his song.

"**_If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening, All over this land…"_**

Dixie removed her fingers from her ears and shook her head solemnly.

"If _I_ had a hammer… I'd have smashed out my brains just after you started singing." She said, frowning.

"Two point six." Kong coughed, lifting up her whiteboard - "2.6".

"Dixie; what do you think…?"

"Yeah, double pepperoni please - and don't be stingy with the garlic bread." Dixie hung up her phone, smiling.

"…Were you just ordering pizza?!"

"Yes."

_**WHAM!**_

"OW! What was that for?!" Dixie shrieked, rubbing her head, where Dixie Kong's elbow had collided.

"Call in Jamma; and the squad, before I resort to strangling you…" Kong snarled.

Dixie muttered various obscenities under her breath, as she punched in a message on her laptop, and slammed her hand down so forcefully on the SEND button, the desk shook.

Within seconds, there was a gigantic vibration surging through the floorboards, as a hundred pairs of polished red Koopa boots were thundering along the tiled corridor outside. - The double doors burst open, and a squadron of Hammer Bros. marched in, their hammers held aloft.

"…Ready… Aim… HAMMER!"

* * *

Both girls looked on, as they watched two security guards dragging a very lifeless Donkey Kong out of the room by his feet - a trail of blood smearing along the ground behind him.

"It's amazing how amusing watching a gorilla being pounded to the point of concussion with fifty iron hammers can be." Dixie giggled, as the door closed behind the guards.

She took a bite from her garlic bread, and looked back towards the door.

"Next!"

In walked Luigi, swinging his arms to and fro, as he gulped down the last few droplets from a can of lager - before throwing it over his shoulder carelessly.

"Get on with it, Luigi… We're short of time." Dixie coughed.

"Yeah… I'm missing _South Park_." Kong frowned.

Luigi smiled, shaking his head.

"Very well then girls… I'm Luigi, and I'm the next Mushroom Idol!" He slurred.

"…We don't need a frickin' introduction!" Dixie snapped. "Just sing!"

"Okay you two… I'm gonna sing… _Gay Bar _- by _Electric Six_."

"At last, someone picks a decent song." Kong giggled.

"**_GIRL! I wanna take you to a gay bar, I wanna take you to a gay bar, I wanna take you to a gay bar, gay bar, gay bar! _**

_**Let's start a war, start a nuclear war, At the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar…! WOOOAW!"**_

"Heh… Luigi… You can stop-"

Dixie was interrupted by a sudden sound of breaking glass, coupled with a high pitched scream of triumph.

"At last, I have found you; my precious Luigi-kins."

"Who the fu-"

Everyone fell silent, as the familiar scent of cheap aftershave and tight leather pants filled the room - Prince Peasley stepped down from his hovering ottoman, and approached Luigi, his eyes shimmering.

"Are you all ready for a night out on the town, darling?" He asked, attempting to take his arm.

Luigi frowned at him. "I thought I told you Peasley - it's over between us! I've chosen my path… And I'm with Daisy now!" He growled.

"Oh Luigi!" Peasley sobbed. "But… The time we shared in Starbean's Coffee Shop! …And the fun we had in the Pipe House together!"

"IT'S OVER." Luigi snarled.

"Oh, but you know I shan't take no for an answer, handsome." Peasley giggled, grabbing Luigi's arm. "Come on… We're going to the Stonewall Inn."

"NO!" Luigi protested, trying to struggle free of his grasp. "I don't like it there…! All the men in their skirts look at me funny!"

"But Luigi… You know how adorable you look in those leather overalls of yours…" Peasley sighed.

"You're coming with me, precious!" Peasley smirked, holding his sword close to Luigi's crotch.

Luigi gulped, glancing down nervously at the sword's tip.

Peasley sniggered stupidly, wrapping his arm around Luigi's back, and dragging him over to his floating ottoman.

"Off we go! Give my regards to Master Mario; inform him that his darling brother is in safe hands!" Peasley giggled, slapping Luigi's backside, before flying back through the broken window.

"Good riddance…" Dixie said slowly, staring out of the broken window. "I'd have given him a minus three, anyway."

* * *

"Wah-hah-hah-hah!"

"…Oh jeez… There's only one person with a laugh like that…" Dixie groaned.

"Prepare to be dazzled by the greatness that is: Waaaaaario!"

Following his own cheesy introduction, Wario strutted through the double doors, across the room, and onto the star spot - flexing his arm muscles, and puffing out his chest.

Kong grimaced. "You know… They're trying out for heavyweight wrestlers in the next studio." She smiled sweetly. "Why waste our- err… I mean, YOUR time here?"

"Wah-hah-hah! What's-a the problem, Dixie? Afraid that your jaw's-a gonna drop off, with the sheer sight-a of-a my greatness?" Wario boasted.

"No… She's afraid that, that accent of yours is going to eject her brain, outta escape shortly." Dixie coughed, glaring at him.

"Eh; be quiet you." Wario snarled. "You're just jealous of-a my greatness!" He bragged, rubbing his knuckles against his collar.

"What're you singing, lard-arse?" Dixie growled.

"Are you two girls partial to the sugary sweetness that is…" Wario began drooling. "Chocolate?"

"Yes… Why?" Kong asked; suspiciously.

"Are you gonna bribe us with a Snickers bar, or something?" Dixie asked, shaking her head.

Wario smirked. "No… Better!"

He cleared his throat, and began to sing:

"**_You're sweet like chocolate, boy, You're sweet like chocolate, You bring me so much joy, You're sweet like chocolate, boy!"_**

"We're GIRLS…" Kong muttered.

Dixie grimaced at the sight of Wario's jiggling gut. "Yeah… I USED to like chocolate; but that image has put me off for life…"

"Zero point seven." Kong said, holding up her whiteboard - "0.7".

"Aw come on, Kong." Wario snarled. "I deserve better. It's you two, your eyes are defective, unable to identify talent when you see it!"

Dixie sniggered behind her hand. "You wanna say that again…?" She asked, her hand slowly wrapping around yet another lever that was beside their desk.

"I said…" Wario growled. "Your eyes are def- ARRRRGGH!!"

Wario suddenly yelped out in surprise; as the gently tug of Dixie's lever had unleashed a thick shower of melted chocolate from a hose set in the ceiling, immersing Wario's smart suit in a glob of thick milky goodness.

"Now… If it didn't have such a sour centre… I'd like to eat that." Dixie smiled.

"Yeah; shame about the hairy, stinky filling." Kong commented.

Wario said nothing, but buried his finger several inches deep in his right nostril, before tugging it out, and smearing it along his wrist, before proceeding to eat the sticky gunk upon his fingertip.

"Aww… That's sick." Dixie groaned, clutching her stomach.

"Actually; it's-a very appetising." Wario snickered, munching on his fingers. "Ach, this is gonna go straight to my thighs."

"Wario; don't eat your fingers." Kong advised. "Go on, get out."

Wario didn't respond, but he left the room, still chomping on his gloved hands, making grotesque munching and belching sounds, as he left a long trail of chocolate footprints along the carpeting.

* * *

"NEXT!"

The doors slowly creaked open, and in bounded Diddy Kong, his eyes twinkling gently from under the peak of his baseball cap.

"Hey Diddy." Kong smiled, blushing slightly.

"Oh jeez…" Dixie muttered, drumming her fingers upon the desk in irritation. "Simians unite."

"What are you singing, Diddykins?" Kong asked, grinning stupidly from ear to ear.

"Welcome To The Jungle - by Guns 'N' Roses." Diddy answered.

Dixie nodded in approval. "That's a decent song. Go on, hit us."

Diddy nodded, shuffling his feet awkwardly as he cleared his throat.

"**_In the jungle! Welcome to the jungle, Watch it bring you to your sha-na-na-na-na-na knees! Knees! I WANNA WATCH YOU BLEED!!"_**

"Your wish is granted." Dixie smiled, holding a razor close to her wrist. "Sing another word, and I shall be forced to take drastic action."

"Aww come on." Kong growled. "It wasn't as bad as all that."

Dixie sneered at her. "Quit standing up for your little boyfriend."

Kong blushed slightly. "Shut up." She growled. "I'll never understand you… You're as sour as deadly poison."

"Oh yeah?" Dixie questioned.

"Try _real_ poison on for size!" Dixie yelled, grabbing Kong by the neck, pinching her nose and tipping a full bottle of suspicious clear liquid in a green bottle down her throat.

Kong collapsed instantly across the table.

"I killed Dixie Kong!" Dixie laughed, leaping up and down with joy.

"Not quite!" Kong smirked, jumping up and bouncing on her chair.

Dixie picked up the discarded bottle. She eyed it curiously; then her eyes turned to fiery coals. "WHO THE FUCK REPLACED MY POISON WITH LEMONADE?!"

"Boy, that was some mighty fine lemonade!" A Lakitu cameraman announced, patting his bloated tummy with pleasure.

Dixie and Dixie both looked at each other, and bit their lips nervously; as Lakitu tumbled off his cloud, and fainted on the floor.

"Err…" Dixie stammered. "If anyone asks… He died of natural causes… We were innocent bystanders."

"Agreed." Kong smiled, both of them quickly shaking hands.

"Still… No more attempting to kill me." Kong sniggered at the expression on Dixie's face.

"Screw off, emo ape." Dixie snarled. "Diddy, you're getting a minus four."

"He was better than Wario!" Kong growled, kicking at her under the table.

"Ow…!" Dixie yelped. "Minus five…"

"Take that back!"

"OW! …Minus six…"

"TAKE IT BACK!!"

"OWW!! …Minus seven…"

* * *

_**Several hours later...**_

"My leg's gonna fall off!" Dixie cried, several tears dripping down her face.

"SAY YOU'RE SORRY…!"

"Never! …Minus TWO-HUNDRED-AND-FORTY-NINE."

"Shut the fucking hell up!" Diddy screamed, jumping onto the desk. "Just gimme my bloody forfeit, so I can get outta here!!" He yelled, his eyes bloodshot and pulsating with extreme rage.

"No Diddy; don't let them do it!" Kong wailed.

"Oh quiet." Dixie sighed. "Espeon; did you say you had some Luxray?"

"Luxray?" Espeon questioned. "Oh… You want some jungle Pokémon?"

Espeon jumped up from under the desk, and darted out of the room.

Several seconds later, she re-emerged, followed by a large troupe of jungle Pokémon - including giggling Aipom, growling Luxray, rumbling Pineco, ready to explode, snarling Shiftry, their eyes filled with anger. Stood behind them all was an immense Tropius, flapping its large palm leaf wings, and several Arbok, Ekans and Seviper were slithering along the ground.

"CHARGE!!"

* * *

_**Sixteen seconds later…**_

"Alright everyone, that's enough." Espeon smiled, daintily walking back to the desk, sitting herself down, and beginning to clean the blood from her lilac paws.

After an extreme mauling by all of the jungle-dwelling Pocket Monsters, Diddy Kong was laid out motionless across the floor, bleeding profusely.

"Get him outta here." Espeon ordered to the Tropius. "He's making the place look untidy."

The blood splattered group of Pokémon nodded in Espeon's direction, as Tropius hauled Diddy Kong up onto his back - and they all paraded out, cheering victoriously.

Dixie picked up her clipboard, and scanned it curiously, her dark green eyes darting from side to side. "Seems like we only have three more victims… Then we get to decide the winner."

"Wow; time's just flew by, hasn't it?" Kong smiled.

"No, it bloody hasn't." Dixie snarled. "This stupid gameshow's been running for four chapters now."

"Excuse me?"

"Never mind."

"NEXT!"

The double doors flew open, and in marched three Koopalings. First came the enormous Morton Koopa, his oversized feet pounding on the battered floorboards. After him, followed Ludwig Von Koopa, his usual beehive of indigo hair still settled neatly upon his scaly head. And finally, Larry Koopa, his exploded electric blue punk hair style stuck up several inches in the air.

"Oh, a trio act, eh?" Dixie smiled. "Are you gonna share the prize?"

"Vell; seeing as how I am ze oldest - I am getting vorty per cent of ze prize money… Vilst my two brothers 'ere, are getting thirty." Ludwig smiled.

"We didn't agree to that!" Morton growled, cracking his knuckles.

"Yeah; you just want it all for yourself!" Larry snarled.

"Oh jeez. Come on guys." Dixie sighed. "We don't need anymore fighting. I tire of the violence."

Espeon appeared from under the desk. "Why; that's very unlike you." She smiled. "Are you turning soft on me?" She jeered.

"No, I'm not." Dixie growled. "You can quit with your comments, or you're getting another flea bath." She threatened.

Espeon muttered various curses under her breath as she slunk under the desk to sulk.

"Just sing guys." Kong commented, as she looked up from filing her nails intently.

"Introduce the song." Dixie coughed.

"Winter Wonderland." They all said, simultaneously.

"What; Canada?" Dixie questioned.

"You and Canada; seriously." Espeon sighed.

The three Koopas nodded to one another, before lining up, Morton in the centre, Larry on his right, Ludwig on his left. They all took in breaths, and cleared their throats - before starting to sing, Morton singing the main lyrics, Larry and Ludwig harmonising in the background.

"**_Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? In the lane, snow is glistening,  
A beautiful sight, We're happy tonight. Walking in a winter wonderland!"_**

"I'd rather we hadn't been listening; just then." Dixie smirked. "Jeez… I'd rather have icicles stuck in my ears."

Kong shook her head. "Three and a half." She smiled, holding up her whiteboard - "3.5".

"Okay…" Dixie smiled. "Time for a bit of the ol' snow… Go: AZUMARILL!"

Dixie hurled her Pokéball up into the air. As it split in two down the centre, a large blue and white, rounded rabbit popped out, combing its ears carefully.

Dixie smiled down at her, patting it gently upon the head. "Azumarill… Give us some BLIZZARD."

The Azumarill placed her head on one side, before rapidly waving its stubby arms about, and bouncing on the ball of its tail; as it quickly summoned up a harsh and bitter blizzard within the room.  
"Whoa! Holy crap!" Dixie yelped, diving under the desk in an attempt to shelter herself from the storm.

"Hey-hey; I'm gettin' outta this." Kong muttered, also jumping down, almost squashing Espeon.

* * *

"AZUMARILL; YOU CAN STOP NOW!!"

Dixie, Dixie Kong and Espeon all slowly crawled out from underneath the desk, before grimacing slightly at the sight of the room. - Every object in the room, including the three Koopalings, was now covered with a soft, white, three-inch blanket of snow.

"Aww jeez. I forgot to bring my sledge." Dixie sighed.

"F-F-F-Freezing!" Morton shivered, biting his lip furiously.

"My nose drippings have frozen to icicles!" Larry whimpered.

"Gross." Kong smiled. "A snot Popsicle."

Dixie rubbed her hands together in anticipation, before quickly dipping into one of her many pockets, and pulling out a pair of thick thermal gloves. She tugged them down over both hands, before clapping them together in excitement. "Come on then; let's get this SNOW on the road!"

Dixie, Dixie Kong and Azumarill all stooped down to the snow-covered carpet, and began scooping up handfuls of the soft powder, and forming them into neat balls - whilst Espeon sat on the desk, showing off - forming snowballs with her ESP.

"Ready… Aim… FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!"

Responding to Dixie's call, all four of them began bombarding the bewildered Koopas; who were stood upon the snow-covered star spot.

"Aw crap; let's get outta here!" Larry yelped, running for the door.

His two brothers followed, dashing out with their scaly tails between their legs.

"Yay!" Dixie called, bouncing up and down on her frozen chair. "Another one bites the dust."

"Bites the _snow_, more like." Kong smirked. "Brain-freezes for all!"

* * *

"Okay… Only two more brats to deal with." Dixie coughed, her breath appearing in a cloud of steam. "NEXT!"

The door was flung open violently, slamming into the wall behind; as in strutted the spoilt Wendy O. Koopa - her nose in the air.

"Oh… Give me strength." Dixie muttered.

"I know, I can only deal with a certain amount of Koopalings in one day; ya know." Espeon snarled, beginning to charge a Psybeam.

"I am Wendy O. Koopa - pride and joy of the Royal Koopa family." She boasted.

"…Are you now?" Dixie muttered. "And I'm the king of Greenland."

"You two pathetic excuses for game show judges shall now be amazed, at the sheer magnificence that is: my amazing vocal talents." She continued.

"Minus eighty-one already…" Dixie whispered.

"Ahem…:"

"**_My loneliness is killing me, I must confess I still believe… When I'm not with you I lose my mind, Give me a sign! Hit me baby one more time!"_**

"Where DO they get them from?!" Espeon asked, slapping her forehead with her tails.

"Sorry; I've had enough of dealing with chavs today." Dixie coughed, rubbing her throbbing skull.

"Yeah, come here Wendy… We'll just give your winnings now." Kong smiled.

Wendy smiled triumphantly, walking daintily over to the frozen desk.

"Well; no thanks to you useless-"

_**-SLAP-**_

"Ow! What was that f-"

_**-SLAP-**_

"Stop it, you skanks!"

_**-SLAP-**_

"OW! Come on; it's not-"

_**-SLAP-**_

"Whore!"

_**-SLAP-**_

"Bitch!"

_**-SLAP-**_

"I'll hit you back, I'm warning you!"

Dixie smirked. "Happyslap me, and I'll happily slap you back." She brought her hand back once more, before slapping her again, right across the right side of her face.

"My go again?" Kong asked.

"Be my guest." Dixie smiled.

_**-SLAP-**_

"Oh that's it… I've had en-"

_**-SLAP-**_

Wendy glared at them both, both of her scaly cheeks were now a stinging scarlet, covered with Dixie's handprint, Espeon's paw print, and several paw prints and brass-knuckles marks from Dixie Kong.

"Go to hell." She spat, before marching out of the room to sulk in the corridors.

"That felt good." Dixie sniggered, admiring her pink palms.

"Darn right it did." Kong grinned.

* * *

"Oh, finally. The final contestant." Dixie breathed a sigh of relief. "WHOEVER'S LAST - NEXT!"

The doors opened, and in walked Birdo, a vulgar song already spouting from her wide lips.

"Oh, good God." Dixie groaned. "Why does it always happen to me…?"

"Birdo… I don't care _what_ it is… Just sing." Espeon ordered, her ruby shimmering harshly against the soft glow of the snow.

Birdo sniffed disdainfully, before making a very odd noise. Her usual anal-sound voice was then replaced by a normal female human voice:

"Maneater; by Nelly Furtado." She said, nodding slightly.

Dixie looked puzzled. "…Go on then…"

"**_Maneater, make you work hard, Make you spend hard,  
Make you want all, of her love, She's a maneater, Make you buy cars, Make you cut some cards, Make you fall real hard in love…"_**

"That was awfully bad…" Dixie muttered. "I don't care if I AM tone deaf or not - that was crap."

"Minus three?" Kong asked.

"That should do." Dixie smiled.

At that moment, the doors opened again, and in dashed Goombella, followed by her cameraman.

"Hello again." Goombella said, her eyes watering, as she was still being forced to smile - as the Lakitu beside her had a shotgun embedded in her back.

"Have you finally come to a decision? Who is the winner of Mushroom Idol?"

"Well… We haven't-"

Dixie was interrupted by a sudden earthquake coming from the far left wall. Without any warning; the bricks suddenly collapsed to the ground, and a monstrous shadow began to appear from behind the mortar.

"Oh crap!" Goombella yelped. "…What's that!?"

A loud roar filled the room; as Petey Piranha appeared through the hole in the wall; shoving his enormous head through the bricks, and lunging at Birdo - swallowing her down in one great gulp.

There was a very long silence.

* * *

No; even longer than that.

* * *

That's better. )

* * *

"Uh… I guess… The winner of Mushroom Idol is…" Kong began.

"Petey Piranha." Dixie smiled.

"Yeah; okay. I can live with that." Kong grinned, clapping her paws.

Petey grinned from ear to ear, as the floor managers appeared from behind Goombella, and began showering him with buckets of confetti.

* * *

"Jeez; was that ever tough." Dixie smiled, swinging her legs to and fro, as she sat up on the frozen bench. "Still… I still thought it was easy." She smiled, clipping her shrunken Pokéballs back to her belt.

"Did you have fun… Shorty?" Came a voice from behind her; as Dixie felt someone grab her tightly by the shoulders, feeling herself shrink inside their enormous shadow.

"Eeep…"

* * *

**Mya ha ha! I shall leave you all at a cliff-hanger!**

**I'm sure you're all glad to hear, Mushroom Idol is FINALLY over. :D**

**Stay tuned for the next chapter!**

* * *

**Coming soon: Chapter 15:**

**The winner's celebration!**

**Simon & Rathe's revenge!**

**Two more user-submitted mini-games!**

* * *

**Look forward to that, guys!**

_**- Dixie A. Stonehall**_

* * *


	15. Agony Of The Agony

**Chapter 15**

**(Surprise! Another random appearance from HobbesLuigi82!)**

* * *

**A/N:**

- Thanks a whole bunch to **HobbesLuigi82** for writing this first scene with me! _(And you all thought he was gone for good. Mwa ha ha, you were fooled!)_

- I know this has taken me _A RIDICULOUS_ amount of time to get updated - but I finally have an idea to change this whole story around! _(Thanks for waiting!)_

- Oh, and a special mention to one of friends from my forum: **Tsukikari Kitsune,** who naturally, provided a little inspiration for this chapter... _(You'll see...)_

_**As always, enjoy this unenviable piece of FFN trash.**_

**- **_**Dixie**_

* * *

"...Uh... Uh..." Dixie stammered, her eyes widening in fear at the sight of her two former judging partners, standing over her - clutching her firmly by the collar.

She gulped slowly; noticing a small troop of rough-looking contestants entering through the double doors - all of them looking furious, at their eviction punishments.

A very bedraggled-looking Rathe caught Dixie's eyes and locked them.

"You might want to increase the dosage next person you use that needle trick on." - He growled.

"...Umm... Uh..." Dixie stuttered, nervously twiddling her fingers - noticing that everyone within the room was casting her a menacing glare.

"So much witty backchat without a second thought - then you just crumble at the slightest possibility of any harm to yourself." Simon sneered. "What should we do, gang?"

"Punish her!!" - Everyone yelled simultaneously.

"...Uh oh..." Dixie whimpered, feeling herself be tugged down from the desk - as if she were a trophy being presented by two tribesmen.

"Where'd the soil-sucking son of a bitch 'winner' go?" Simon yelled, at the bruised and beaten army of rejected contestants.

"He's right here..." Goombella mumbled - before she, and many others - were plastered against the doorframe, as Petey Piranha came storming into the room at his mention.

"Peee-teyyyy!" Rathe called, while pointing at Dixie - as though trying to cajole a dog into playing with a toy. "Friend, Petey! Pukey _on_ friend!"

"...Uh!" Dixie yelped, attempting to struggle free. "...What?!"

"Oh, come on, seriously…" - Rathe rationalised.

"I think that compared to a five-inch horse tranq' in the spine, a little sicky from a flying plant really _is _being generous in the revenge stakes!"

"No!" Dixie wailed, furiously flailing her legs - as both Rathe and Simon had her firmly restrained between them.

Petey stepped forward, flashing a toothy grin in her direction.

"There, there, Dixie," Simon smiled. "Can't be that bad - looks like he likes you; maybe he'll be easier on you!"

"Actually; when a Piranha smiles at you, that's just their way of preparing for their waste regurgitation upon their prey." Waluigi snickered from the back row - his arms and torso now covered with bandages, covering the snake bites.

"Ah, well, won't be _me_ worrying over it." Rathe grinned. "Actually, we're right on plan."

"No--!" Dixie cried. "These things always happen to me!"

"We all have moments like that, I'm sure - _you_ didn't give _us_ any time to mope before being stuck like lab rats." Simon snapped back. "Right - someone drag Petey over here - STAT!"

Eagerly responding to the call; several of the rejected contestants all assembled behind the enormous Piranha, and began shoving him from behind in the direction of his new victim.

"Wow." Rathe said, watching the semi-tug-of-war commence between the plant and the angry throng of participants. "Must be a bugger to feed himself."

"Petey! Here boy; fresh meat!" Simon whistled, attempting to coax the monster over to where Dixie stood.

His head snapping up suddenly at the mention of meat, Petey bounded up and down happily for a moment, knocking aside a few battered contestants, before making for his prey.

"N-N-No! ...D-Don't eat me!" Dixie wailed, tears of terror filling her eyes.

"Aww, how cute!" Simon observed. "Pitiful yelps of terror make him happy!"

Simon was right - Petey was jumping up and down at an alarming rate, causing a small tremor rumbling through the room.

"Now, come on…" Rathe said, pointing at the bouncing plant. "Don't get too excited, or you'll make yourself--"

"_**BLAAAAARGHH!"**_

"……Sick..."

"...Augh...!"

From beneath the mountain of thickened internal slop - Dixie gave a quiet whimper of disgust; her whole body totally immersed in the abhorrent gastronomic catastrophe. The spectators simultaneously groaned in disgust, taking several steps backwards, away from the sticky sludge.

"_Aaaaack!_" Rathe choked, clasping his hands around his nose. "Eeeesh! And I thought that slimy stuff they used on _You Can't Do That On Television _was icky! Gross…"

"...Eww..." Dixie sobbed, shakily smearing away the clumps of vomit that coated her face, enabling her to see through the sticky gunk that covered her from head to toe.

"Ugh." Yoshi spat, somehow getting up the courage to poke Dixie's shoulder.

"Oh, NO! _It's all mushy! _Ick!" He stared at the dash of fluid smeared on his finger, before, giving it a quick lick.

"ACK!! - That was a bad idea…!" - He added, dashing out of the room as fast as his waddly little legs would take him.

Dixie shuddered, feeling the thick, warm clumps rolling down her face, dripping down her chin, and sliding down her neck.

"...I'll never ever eat... Durians and _Pokeys_... Again..." She grimaced, weakly attempting to sluice the slime away from herself.

"Arghh, you got what you deserved." Rathe said, tilting his head madly; each time, a nasty crack ringing in his skull. "My neck still aches like fuck - I hope you're happy."

Dixie sniffled weakly, hauling herself up onto her feet - her shoes making loud and sickening squelching sounds upon the damp carpet; as she began trudging over to the doors in disgrace.

"I suppose it would be inappropriate to make a snide one-liner, now, would it?" Simon asked, seemingly to no-one in particular.

"Do what you like." Rathe replied half-heartedly, slapping his back. "Is there a Reconstructive Urologist _anywhere_ in this damn place? Geez!"

"I hope you're happy; fucking BASTARDS." Dixie hissed, her eyes narrowed - as she slammed the door behind her.

"Count your blessings, dearie!" Rathe shouted back. "HE WASN'T _HUNGRY_, WAS HE?!"

"I regret nothing - I'm outta here. Simon, you got that phone book at Doctors…?"

* * *

"…That was absolute torture." Peach moaned, throwing herself down angrily upon a couch set aside upon the sidelines.

"I concur." Goombruno grumbled, sitting down beside her, glaring our over the board. "I think you all better sober up soon… It's getting late."

"Eh, don't be such a _naaaaag_." Boshi mocked him, wolfing down a handful of nachos he'd grabbed from the snacks table.

"Yeah…" Mario growled, stepping in front of him. "This is MY party… I made the board… I provided the drinks… I make the rules."

"Sit down Mario." Peach sighed, shaking her head in despair. "After this fiasco, I don't ever want to go to another Mario Party again."

"You can't say that!" Luigi gasped, dropping his fistful of mini chipolatas in shock. "Mario Party is an upheld tradition! We have one every year!"

"…Well, for the past eight years, yes." Peach snapped, suddenly standing up. "But… You know what they say: all traditions die out."

"…And who exactly said that?" Bowser sniggered, helping himself to a large helping of strawberry cheesecake. "I think Peach is just making up her own proverbs here."

"Well what now…?" Daisy mumbled, glancing around awkwardly. "Fly-Guy's gone… Who's going to navigate us around the board?"

"**Quite a predicament you all appear to be in…"**

"…! …Who said that!?" Daisy yelped, holding onto Luigi's shoulder in fear - causing him to drop his second fistful of chipolatas. Luigi was beginning to get very annoyed at the loss of his precious pork products.

"**This fan fiction lacks structure and organisation, and has done for the past fourteen chapters."**

"…What the fuck is that loudspeaker talking about?!" Bowser yelled, waving his fist in the air. "You say we're the pissed ones, you're the one ranting on about-"

"**Silence!"**

Bowser let out a sudden squeal, as he felt his legs give out from underneath him, and he tumbled flat on his face into his plate of cheesecake.

"…What the hell happened there?"

"Bowser!" Bowser Jr. shrieked, hopping desperately over to his father's fallen body. "Did you slip, daddy?"

Bowser groaned, furiously wiping his scaly face clean with a swipe of his colossal paw.

"…No, I didn't slip… Something happened to my legs."

"…**Yes. I think you can see the extent of my power now."**

"…Who… W-Who are you?" Peach whimpered, glancing around the silenced room nervously, hoping to find the source of the echoing voice that was being projected into the room.

"**Turn your attention to yonder monitor."**

All of the guests did as they were told; turning their head in the direction of the far east wall, where a huge monitor screen was protruding from the wall.

The screen became illuminated with a dim red light - and the mysterious shapes upon it took the form of a large black chair.

Seated in it was a dark and sallow figure, their face dimmed out by a cloak of shadow. All that could be seen of them was a pair of very pale hands with short fingernails, and blood present around their knuckles. They appeared to be cradling and stroking something that was seated upon the figure's lap.

Amongst the cavernous shadow in the centre of the seat - a single red light glinted on and off.

"**Ah… That's better. I apologize for the light quality. This web-cam is only a shitty Labtec; it won't work without a high-density beam in front of it."**

"…Who are you?" Daisy asked, trembling - as she continued to clutch onto Luigi's shoulder - Luigi, slowly munching upon his chipolata sausages, though slower than he normally would.

"…**I'm going to send an accomplice of mine down to your board… Or should I say… MY board."**

"Hey, wait you!" - Mario cut in, "I made this board! It's not yours, it's mi-"

Mario was stopped by a large strip of duct tape suddenly being plastered over his mouth. Simultaneously, his feet were bound together by a coarse piece of rope - which then proceeded to drag him across the floor, writhing helplessly, as he approached the board.

The board had been plunged completely into darkness; not a single neon light bulb was left flickering, nor was a single blue square left illuminated.

"…**Now, witness the change..."**

Screaming, the guests were blinded by a rush of intoxicating green light - as the board that once stood before them combusted in a sudden rush of intense flames, licking at the ceiling and sending forth avalanches of smouldering ashes into their terrified faces.

From the engulfing black smoke that billowed around the explosion site rose several charred black oak trees - huge cages hanging down from their immense branches. The blue and red squares that once lined a pathway through Mario's old board were slowly replaced by a cold, concrete walkway, lined on both sides by bubbling orange geysers, emitting unbearable heat.

Mario appeared in the centre of the board, hanging from the top of a large guillotine, which overlooked a deep pit of bubbling lava, dug deep into the foul ground of this hellish new board.

Mario's wails of terror were silenced by his gag, as he noticed his head was hanging several feet above a fiery fate.

"…Alright!" Peach wailed, throwing herself to the ground. "We… We can see your power! …Please let Mario go!"

"…**Ha ha ha… I'm glad that you insignificant peons finally see my way of reasoning. I will send my accomplice down to the board… He will free Mario… And he will give you your next set of instructions."**

The monitor screen turned blank - leaving nothing but a chilling air of confusion about the bewildered and petrified guests.

* * *

"Aaaaaah!! What is THAT?!"

The other surprised guests turned their attention gingerly to the direction that a wailing Peach was pointing to.

Scurrying rapidly along the board was a large, furry creature, with erected ears, bright green eyes, bushy blonde fur - and seven long tails. It let out a rapid, high-pitched melody as it ran, its four paws bounding heavily along the pathway running through the board.

When this strange creature reached the crowd of guests, it perched itself upon a table, letting its seven tails dangle over the edge.

"Greetings peons." He said, flashing a toothy grin at them all - showing off four dangerous-looking incisors.

"Uh… Hi?" Daisy mumbled weakly - spreading her fingers in an-almost delicate royal wave; despite her palms being disgustingly sweaty.

"I am Kitsune. - K-i-t-s-u-n-e." Kitsune grinned, his eyes shimmering in excitement as he witnessed the fine array of fresh meat laid out before him - all dressed in smart garnishes, and possessing a sweet aroma of rum and brandy marinade.

"I was sent by the Agony to lead to you your doom!" - Kitsune suddenly let out a high-pitched cackle, causing everybody to grimace and hold their hands to their ears.

"The Agony…?" Luigi asked, placing his head on one side.

"That is correct, green peon. The Agony of March - as is their full title." Kitsune smirked, speaking his master's title with an air of superiority.

"But… But it's July!" Toadette exclaimed, sounding confused.

Kitsune smiled, despite looking slightly sickened at Toadette's childish innocence. "…Ah, The Agony doesn't just have supreme control over the month of March… The Agony has control over this entire millennium!"

"Um… Not to be disrespectful, Kitsune - but, can you get to the point?" Bowser muttered gruffly, folding his arms.

"Very well then, fat spiky peon." Kitsune sniggered, shaking his head slightly in despair.

"The Agony now has you all under their control… You are their peons. You will brave this new party board - designed by The Agony - and you will prove yourselves worthy of the task. All those who fail the tasks that are set for you along the way by The Agony… You will be held captive in the holding cells… And you will become the new slaves…"

"UNLESS…! Unless, one of you can brave the fortress that lies at the end of this board, and defeat The Agony."

Kitsune shook his head. "Of course, none of you are up to the task. The tasks ahead of you will test your mind, your wit, your willpower. They will snap every bend of courage within you, crush every ounce of confidence you possess… And will even test your everlasting fear of death…"

"Somebody has company for the number one super-villain title." Wario sniggered, nudging Bowser in the ribs.

Bowser growled furiously, puffing out his chest - squaring up to Kitsune.

"…If this Agony thinks he can outdo Bowser at the number one villain title… He can think again! I am Bowser, and I'm not afraid of some flashy fire sprinklers and dark monitors!"

"…Ah, we will see." Kitsune smiled, raising his eyebrows calmly in response to Bowser's threat.

"…First… You must hand in all personal belongings… And remove all of your clothes." Kitsune ordered, standing upright on the table, narrowing his eyes at the guests stood before him.

"WHAT?!" Waluigi yelped, sounding extremely offended. "We have to fight this Agony thing _naked_!?"

Kitsune grimaced; getting a mental image of both Wario and Waluigi standing nude together.

"Of course not, lanky peon. You will each be provided with your own suited outfit… Specially designed for the tasks you will face. The ladies in the high heels will thank me." Kitsune snickered.

* * *

"…Oh, if this is a prank Mario - I swear…" - Peach grumbled, pulling her regal dress up over her head, carefully folding it up, and placing it in a neat pile beside her shoes, earrings, gloves and crown.

"I don't think Mario would go to this much trouble just for a joke, Peach." Daisy whispered, as she began adorning herself with the new garments Kitsune had presented them all with.

All twenty-four of them were now required to wear a full jumpsuit - black in colour, with red kneepads, elbow pads, and a lightweight helmet. Each one also had to dress themselves with a pair of baseball sneakers and wrap a digital wristwatch around their wrists.

In their jumpsuit pockets, each new 'peon' also carried a torch, a packet of glucose tablets, a box of matches, a mouth-guard and a pocket-knife.

"…Oh… Bro'… This looks to be painful." Luigi gulped - tugging his helmet down over his head, replacing his trusty green cap which he had worn before.

"…What do we need drugs for, anyway?" Wario asked, peering curiously at the tablets he'd pulled from his pocket.

"Agony will not be providing you with any food just yet…" Kitsune grinned. "You will only be granted food upon completing special arrangements. You may need more energy than you'll possess for certain tasks - so the glucose capsules are there for your own comfort."

"NO FOOD?!" Wario screamed, suddenly feeling his gut gnawing upon itself as it heard those two words.

"I apologise, chubby peon." Kitsune giggled. "But, I too, am just a peon to the Agony."

"…Does that mean we can call you 'furry peon'?" Daisy asked, with a weak smile.

Kitsune grinned, his eyes sparkling.

"No."

* * *


End file.
